CRACK FIC MADNESS ONE SHOTS!
by Lady Blade WarAngel
Summary: Plenty of crack one shots just for your amusement people. Formerly How Naruto Got Sasuke To Come Back To Konoha. xSTILL CRACKx
1. How Naruto Got Sasuke To Come Back!

Okay all. This is a crack fic. If you don't like crack don't bother reading it. Other than that, please enjoy the fic. This is a one shot. It might turn into a few one shots, depending on how I feel. Anywhos please R&R!

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How Naruto Got Sasuke to Come Back To Konoha!!!

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Kakashi, was once again in hospital, completely unconscious. Sakura was helping to look after him, and Naruto was sitting in the corner being silent. Which was an unusual feat for Naruto. Sakura looked at him in confusion.

"What's wrong Naruto?" She asked carefully.

"Don't you want to see what's under Kakashi-Sensei's mask?" Naruto asked.

Sakura blinked. "Are you serious?" Sakura asked.

"Sure I am. Seriously, aren't you just a little curious?" Naruto asked.

"We tried to get his mask off years ago. Sasuke was with us then and we still couldn't manage it." Sakura said sadly.

Naruto grinned foxily at her. "So? What's stopping us now?" Naruto asked.

"What are you talking about Naruto?" Sakura asked. She gazed at him with scrutiny.

"Kakashi-Sensei's unconscious. He won't know if we take a peek." Naruto replied. His grin getting wider.

"We are NOT doing that Naruto?" Sakura replied. She shook her head vigorously as she said this.

"Why not?" Naruto asked.

"Sasuke isn't here?" Sakura replied.

Naruto grinned evilly. "I have a plan for that." Naruto replied.

Sakura and Naruto spoke in hushed whispers as the unknowing Kakashi slept on. Oblivious to his student's plans.

xXxXxXx THREE MONTHS LATER xXxXxXx

Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Yamato and Kakashi had found the location of Orochimaru's hideout. Now of course, sneaking in would have been great, but Naruto appeared to have other ideas.

"SASUKE TEME!!! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE NOW!!!" Naruto yelled happily.

Kakashi and Yamato stared at Naruto in horrified shock, Sakura grinned, and Sai just looked like himself. Orochimaru, Kabuto and Sasuke appeared from some random place in the hideout.

"Sasuke-kun isn't going to come back to you. Why do you bother trying so hard?" Kabuto asked.

Naruto completely ignored him and Orochimaru. "Hey Teme?" Naruto called out happily.

Sasuke glared at Naruto. "What do you want Loser?" Sasuke asked.

"I know something you don't know!" Naruto sing songed at him.

Sasuke's eyes widened. "What the fuck? What the hell have you drugged the baka with Kakashi?" Sasuke asked.

"This is nothing to do with me." Kakashi said, spreading his arms in a sign of confusion.

"Oh but Sensei, don't be so modest!" Sakura said happily.

Sasuke looked at Sakura and Naruto and saw their large, cheeky grins. "Don't tell me, Sakura knows too." Sasuke stated. The pair nodded. "And I don't." Sasuke stated again. The pair nodded again, grinning happily.

Sasuke glared at Orochimaru. "You said you were teaching me everything, and that I would know everything they know and more?" Sasuke hissed out.

"They're bluffing." Orochimaru said. He looked just as confused as Kabuto, Kakashi and Yamato now looked.

"What could you, the loser, and Sakura, the annoying fangirl, possibly know, that I don't?" Sasuke asked.

"We know what Sensei's face looks like." Naruto said.

Sasuke's eyes bugged out of his head. Orochimaru and Kabuto blinked. Yamato's jaw dropped to the floor and Kakashi looked very confused. Sai just stayed neutral.

"That's impossible. How could you guys know what my face looks like?" Kakashi asked.

"We took your mask off while you were unconscious." Sakura replied, with a cheery smile on her face.

Sasuke's jaw dropped to the floor then. Kakashi stared at his students in amazement.

"How could you two do such a thing? You invaded my privacy!" Kakashi asked. His voice filled with genuine shock.

"Well you see Sensei.... Oh what the hell am I trying to be nice for. It was easy. You were unconscious and we wanted to see your face, so we took the mask off." Naruto replied. Sakura giggled next to him.

Kakashi blinked a few times, gazed at his students in shock, then fainted on the floor. "Kakashi-Senpai!" Yamato yelled as he tried to revive Kakashi from unconsciousness.

Naruto grinned up at Sasuke, who was standing on a cliff looking down at him. "Y'know Sasuke we took pictures!" Naruto exclaimed happily.

Sasuke's eyes bugged out of his head even more if it were possible. At that moment, Kakashi had woken up again.

"WHAT?" Kakashi yelled at his students, from his position, sitting up on the floor.

"We took pictures of your face without the mask on?" Sakura questioned back.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU'LL SELL THEM TO FANGIRLS FOR MILLIONS!!!" Kakashi yelled. Then he fainted again, prompting Yamato to try and rouse him to consciousness.

"God damn it Naruto. Lemme see those pictures!" Sasuke yelled.

Naruto grinned at Sasuke evilly. "Oh heeeell no Teme! You ain't getting them that easily." Naruto stated.

"I'll buy you ramen?" Sasuke said. Naruto shook his head. "I'll pay you vast sums of money?" Sasuke questioned. Naruto still shook his head. "I'll beat the crap out of you?" Sasuke hissed.

Naruto grinned. "Like that's gonna work on me Teme! You already used Chidori on me and I lived, so you really think I can't take a beating?" Naruto questioned.

Sasuke sat down on the cliff edge, with his chin on his hand. "Well I suppose that's true." Sasuke replied. "So what will it take for me to get a look at those pics?" Sasuke asked.

"Come back to Konoha?" Naruto said. Sakura nodded next to him.

"What he's not going to come back t-" Orochimaru started. But he got interrupted.

"Done!" Sasuke said. He jumped down and landed next to Naruto. "Let's go home Dobe. I can't wait to see those pictures." Sasuke said happily.

"What the fuck? Sasuke I thought you wanted power?" Orochimaru asked. His voice quivering.

"Sure I do, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity Snake-bastard. I've gotta take it." Sasuke replied.

Kabuto started to speak. "You can't do this, Orochimaru-Sama is the best Sensei and-"

"SHUT UP KABUTO!" Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura and Sai yelled. Then Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke looked at Sai.

"What? He's annoying?" Sai stated, as if answering their unasked question.

Yamato picked up Kakashi, who was still out cold, and the group started walking.

"Sasuke! You can't do this to me!" Orochimaru yelled. The group ignored him as they walked off.

"So Naruto-kun, can I see one of those pictures?" Sai asked.

"Sure, but you have to streak around the village naked, first." Naruto replied.

Sai glared. "God damn it! First Ino, then Ten Ten, now you too? What is with you people daring me to streak around the village?" Sai asked.

"Ino and Ten Ten leant me the Polaroid camera. They made me swear that if you asked for a picture, that I'd make you streak. Sorry Sai. They all just love your naked body I guess." Naruto replied. Sakura laughed loudly.

"I say Sasuke got the better end of the deal!" Sai exclaimed angrily.

"Yeah I definitely did." Sasuke answered, draping an arm around Naruto's and Sakura's shoulders, whilst Yamato still carried Kakashi. "So when do I get to see those pictures Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"When we get back to Konoha. I never bought them with me." Naruto replied happily.

"Why don't we go and buy some doughnuts when we get back to Konoha?" Sakura asked. The three boys nodded their heads happily.

"Yeah doughnuts!" Naruto yelled happily.

"Sweet doughnuts!" Sasuke added.

"Sweet, sweet, doughnuts!" Sai added.

"What the fuck is wrong with Sai?" Naruto asked.

"Oh I forgot to take my riddlin today." Sai said happily.

"Makes a change, you usually need Prozac!" Sakura replied.

"On towards Konoha!" Naruto yelled.

"And the sweet doughnuts!" Sai added.

"And the pictures of Kakashi without a mask on!" Sasuke yelled too.

So they all walked off into the sunset back to Konoha, where they dined on doughnuts and ramen and Sai streaked through the village naked. Ino and Ten Ten took shots of him with their Polaroid camera and afterwards, the group went back to Naruto's apartment, where Naruto gave oth Sai and Sasuke a picture of Kakashi without his mask.

And that was how Naruto got Sasuke to come back to Konoha.

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Okay all, I hope you all enjoyed that. It was mad crack. I don't know what ya all thought of it but I hope it made someone laugh. I give thanks to my little brother, EroKitsune1234 for the idea. Love your madness baby bro!!! Anyways, please tell me what ya all think of it and if you want more mad one shots like this. Bye until next time.


	2. How Sasuke REALLY Killed Itachi!

Okay all. Another stupidly crazy idea came to me after my baby brother caught man flu (don't ask, I don't know how it works. I'm just glad I don't have it) so once again, this chapter is dedicated to EroKitsune1234!

Thanks to all the people who read, and reviewed and such and such. If you like this fic, please read my fanfic, "Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!" it's also comedy at the weirdest.

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How Sasuke REALLY Killed Itachi.

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Deep in the bowels of hell... ahem... I mean Orochimaru's lair. Sasuke found himself stuck in bed with the flu.

Not just any flu, but Man flu. He felt terrible. His eyes hurt, his head hurt, his neck hurt. Everything hurt. _"I feel like death warmed up. If I survive this I'll definitely be stronger..."_ Sasuke thought to himself.

That was when it hit him. An all powerful idea, that made the angels start singing `Hallelujah' above his head. Sasuke was delusional, Sasuke was crazy. But Sasuke knew his plan would work.

He jumped out of bed as the angels kept singing above his head. He got dressed and tied his purple bow around his waist. All this time the angels were still singing above his head. He ran out of his bedroom (slowly of course, he still had Man Flu) and bumped into Orochimaru.

"What are you doing Sasuke-kun!" Orochimaru piped out. Sasuke looked at him quizzically. "Have you been smoking weed again?" Sasuke asked. "Well.... um... NO! OF COURSE NOT!" Orochimaru yelled. "You seem a little... high?" Sasuke asked again. "Of course I'm not high Sasuke-kun. Now be careful of the pretty chocolate bunny sitting next to you." Orochimaru said seriously.

Sasuke looked down at the floor, only to see nothing was there. "You see he thinks I want to molest him, just because I took off the gold wrapping he was wearing. But IT'S NOT TRUE DAMNIT!!! I AM NOT A ZOOFILE!" Orochimaru yelled in Sasuke's ear. "Yeah he's definitely high as a kite. What the hell has he been smoking?" Sasuke asked himself.

"He's been smoking a concoction of weed, hashish and some stingy nettles." Kabuto said as he appeared next to Sasuke from nowhere.

Sasuke jumped in fright and looked at Kabuto curiously. "What the fuck? Are you seriously telling me he smoked stingy nettles?" Sasuke asked.

Kabuto nodded. "Apparently they have a great effect. I don't know though. They just stank the main chamber out when he was burning them. I have to go and deodorise the place." Kabuto stated calmly.

Sasuke glared. "Are you telling me I have to put up with this every day?" Sasuke said. "Pretty much." Kabuto replied. Sasuke blinked.

Kabuto then skipped off down the hall singing "I'm going to do some cleaning, I'm going to do some cleaning, I'm going to do some cleaning, all day long!" As loudly as he could get.

Sasuke shook his head incredulously. "I'm so out of here." Sasuke stated, and ran off, as fast as his weak, flu-infested body would carry him.

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Sasuke had been travelling for a day. He'd had to stop several times. His nose kept running, and he had to find tissues to wipe it. He kept crying for no reason. He liked to blame the flu of course.

He finally made it to the secret pit of demonic- ahem, the secret base of Akatsuki after what seemed like years (but was only a few days)

Sasuke looked around the creepy underground base as he looked out for Itachi. "What is it with bad guys, and creepy underground basement hideaways? You'd think they'd differentiate a little bit." Sasuke said to himself. That was when Hidan and Kakuzu appeared.

"Kakuzu you bastard! You better not have fucking stolen my mother-fucking XBOX or I'll damn well kill you. I've got over sixteen fucking thousand gamer points on that. Do you know how Jashin damned long it took to get those bastard points you asswipe?" Hidan yelled.

Sasuke blinked curiously. _"Woah, he swears more than that Tayuya bitch used to."_ Sasuke thought to himself.

"It was a waste of money Hidan. Look how much you have to pay monthly to have a gold membership." Kakuzu stated blankly.

"So what fucker? It fucking amuses me. I like to play Gears of War two for fucks sake. I like my top fucking gamer status bastard. So you better not have done anything to my XBOX!" Hidan yelled.

"So with the money you pay for that thing, we could afford more Pocky." Kakuzu said. A look of glee came over his masked face, as his eyes went all large and chibified.

Sasuke's eyes bugged at the pair. "I hate pocky. Doughnuts are better." Sasuke said.

"FUCK YOUR DAMN POCKY KAKUZU!!! I swear to Jashin if you stole my fucking XBOX I'll just use that bastard Kisame's XBOX, play against your fucking party on Gears of fucking War two, and fucking Gear rape you!" Hidan yelled.

Kakuzu and Sasuke both stared at Hidan. At that point, Kisame, Tobi and Konan came into the hall and saw Sasuke. "HE'S SOOOO CUTE!!" Tobi and Konan yelled. They ran to glomp him, and Sasuke jumped out of the way. The pair fell on the floor, and Sasuke conveniently dropped two large stones on their heads. "How the fuck did you do that you shit?" Hidan yelled. "My purple bow thing is a glompdar." Sasuke replied stoically.

"I need one of those, where can I get one?" A pierced Pein asked, as he walked into the corridor with an Icha Icha book. "You read those pervy books that Kakashi reads?" Sasuke asked. "What are you talking about? These books are the pinnacle of great drama, action and romance, to the point of nearly stopping my heart a few times." Pein said dramatically. "Whatever, they're just books about sex anyway." Sasuke stated.

"How the fuck would you know?" Hidan asked. "The Dobe and I stole Kakashi's book once just to see what was in it. It was scary." Sasuke stated, cringing for emphasis. Zetsu appeared with a giant lollipop then. "So basically, you and that Naruto brat are also perverts?" Zetsu asked. "NO!" Sasuke yelled.

"You still didn't tell me where you got the glompdar from." Pein stated. "Oh I placed a jutsu on it after I got it from Orochimaru." Sasuke replied. "You realise that you might as well be living with Michael Jackson right?" Konan stated. "Look, Orochimaru is never getting his hands on me. With my built it glompdar and gaydar in this purple bow, I am untouchable." Sasuke stated.

"What the hell?" Kisame questioned, as Deidara and Sasori walked into the packed hall from a room to the right. "What the hell is all the noise about?" Sasori hissed angrily. "Yeah un? I was just about to get Sasori Danna to pound me harder than he's ever pounded anyone!" Deidara yelled.

The corridor went silent. Everyone just stared, wide eyed, and Sasuke wandered exactly how worth it, killing Itachi, really was. After all this was mentally scarring and god knows, he's already been scarred for life enough.

"YOU TWO BASTARDS ARE FUCKING AND YOU DON'T EVEN TELL US? JASHIN SAVE ME! I COULD'VE WALKED INTO ONE OF YOUR DAMN ROOMS AND SEEN SASORI'S WOODEN DICK?" Hidan yelled. Once again everyone blinked.

Deidara went bright red. "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! SASORI DANNA WAS GIVING ME A MASSAGE YOU BASTARD!" Deidara yelled back. Sasuke didn't know where to look. He decided to leave the group arguing and walked off down the hall. How he avoided everyone, we will never know.

He arrived outside a door with the Uchiha clan symbol on it, with a slash through it. "Well this has got to be Itachi's room." Sasuke stated. He opened the door, and walked in to see Itachi reading Icha Icha as well. "What the fuck? Have I entered the twilight zone?" Sasuke asked. "Ah, foolish little brother. What are you doing here?" Itachi asked. "Never mind that you bastard. Why do you read perverted books?" Sasuke asked. "What are you complaining about? Father used to read them all the time. How do you think I got hold of them in the first place?" Itachi replied.

Sasuke looked around the room, to see a shrine with a piece of cheese sitting inside a special glass case. "What's with the cheese?" Sasuke asked. "The cheese was chasing me last night. I had to lock it away." Itachi replied. "What?" Sasuke asked. "The cheese. It was chasing me down a hill, and I couldn't escape it. It was horrible." Itachi stated, with his eyes all chibified and filled with tears. "That is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen." Sasuke stated, as he looked at Itachi crying waterfalls.

"Anyway, you didn't tell me why you were here?" Itachi stated. "Well, I have man flu, and I'm going to give it to you." Sasuke replied. Itachi jumped up from his seated position on his bed, and made a cross sign with his fingers. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT MAN FLU!!! I ONLY KILLED THE CLAN I DIDN'T GIVE YOU ILLNESSES!" Itachi yelled. "Shut up and take it like a man!" Sasuke yelled.

He dived for Itachi, who jumped to the side. "I SAID STAY STILL ASSHOLE!" Sasuke yelled. "NO!" Itachi yelled back. The two carried on their jumping game whilst they argued.

"STAY STILL ITACHI!" Sasuke yelled while jumping at him.

"NO!" Itachi yelled whilst dodging.

"GOD DAMN YOU! JUST TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!" Sasuke yelled, whilst he lunged for Itachi again.

"NO! GET YOUR COOTIES AWAY FROM ME!" Itachi dodged and yelled back.

"IT'S MAN FLU NOT COOTIES!" Sasuke yelled and dived for Itachi yet again.

"I DON'T CARE!" Itachi yelled. He jumped onto his desk.

"JUST STAY STILL AND LET ME GIVE YOU MY MAN FLU!" Sasuke yelled.

He jumped on the desk next to Itachi. Itachi shrieked like a girl and jumped onto the desk chair. Sasuke jumped onto Itachi's back.

"NOOOOO! GET OFF ME! YOU'LL INFECT ME WITH YOUR EVIL MAN FLU COOTIES!!!" Itachi yelled.

"THAT'S THE IDEA BASTARD!" Sasuke yelled, whilst holding on to Itachi's back.

Itachi spun around quickly, trying to throw Sasuke off. Sasuke, however, would not be shifted. He held on tightly, as Itachi spun around in circles trying to make him let go. Finally, Sasuke managed to get a lock on Itachi's neck, pulled himself closer to Itachi and...

LICKED HIS FACE!!!

"NOOOOOOOOO! YOU LICKED ME! YOU EVIL LITTLE BASTARD!!! I'LL GET YOUR COOTIES!" Itachi yelled. Sasuke let go of Itachi, and Itachi started running around the room in circles screaming at the top of his lungs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Itachi shrieked.

"Itachi?" Sasuke asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"Itachi?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"ITACHI YOU'RE GOING BLUE YOU BAKA!" Sasuke yelled.

It was to no avail, as Itachi went from blue to purple to dark violet, and then fainted on the floor from lack of oxygen.

"Oh well, my work here is done. Just in case though." Sasuke stated. He picked up Itachi's cup, and licked around the rim of the cup. Then he breathed all over Itachi's pillow. "That oughta do it!" Sasuke exclaimed happily, as he left the secret base of Akatsuki.

xXxXxXx A WEEK LATER xXxXxXx

Kabuto walked into Sasuke's room at Michael Jackson's h- I mean Orochimaru's lair. "Sasuke, it seems that Itachi is dead." Kabuto said stoically. "Really, how did he die?" Sasuke asked. He expected to hear that Itachi had caught his man flu and died. "Well, you see, he fainted on the floor in his room, and died, because he broke his nose, and drowned in his own blood." Kabuto replied. "WHAT THE FUCK!!! I TRAVELLED ALL THAT WAY AND HE DIDN'T EVEN CATCH MY FLU?" Sasuke yelled.

"What?" Kabuto asked. "Never mind. My goal is complete. Now for my next goal." Sasuke stated. "What's that?" Kabuto asked. "Producing heirs and rebuilding my clan." Sasuke said. He walked out of the room, whilst Kabuto and Orochimaru (who appeared from nowhere) followed him out of the creepy lair. "Bye guys. It's been great, but I need to go back to Konoha, and screw Sakura, so I can have heirs that will have Sharingan." Sasuke stated happily.

"I thought you were gay?" Kabuto stated. "Nope. Just coz the fangirls think I am, who believes them? If that were true, then I'd be screwing Naruto, and he'd be having my manbabies." Sasuke replied. "But Sasuke, you're supposed to be my student!" Orochimaru yelled. "Yeah well, that was until I killed Itachi. I killed him, so now I'm going back to Konoha to screw Sakura's brains out and produce heirs." Sasuke stated.

"Why Sakura?" Kabuto asked. "I have a pink fetish." Sasuke replied. He walked off into the sunset whistling the incredibly old theme tune from the incredibly old series of the Incredible Hulk.

"I wish you'd never given him that man flu Kabuto. It not only made him stronger, but now I can't even molest him because he killed Itachi." Orochimaru said sadly.

"You still have your videos of him in the shower, and the pictures you took while he was sleeping, and the lock of hair you cut off of him when he first got here and was injured." Kabuto replied.

"Oh yeah. Excuse me Kabuto, I need to go and have some alone time!" Orochimaru said happily, as he skipped off into the evil lair.

Kabuto smirked. "So do I, Orochimaru-Sama." Kabuto replied, whilst holding up a tape with the label "OROCHIMARU-SAMA IN THE SHOWER SINGING I WILL SURVIVE!" and an incredibly long lock of black hair. He skipped into the lair after Orochimaru, singing I will survive to himself.

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Okay. I hope you all liked this fic. Now for a few author notes. I don't know what pocky tastes like. I've never tasted it, but I have tasted doughnuts. So to all you wonderful people, don't worry about me writing about hating pocky. It's not meant personally.

As for the Gear rape comment, my brother and cousin do this to each other. Don't ask me how it's done, but they really do look like the characters are shagging each other.

I don't care what anyone's views are on Michael Jackson are. But there's no smoke without fire, and if everyone else can get away with using him for comedy material, then I will as well.

And that's all she wrote folks. Hope I didn't offend anyone too badly. Please R&R. Until next time alright peeps?


	3. What Would YOU Give?

Okay all. I got this idea from watching a video on called "The Flying Car" which has the characters from Descendents of Darkness in it. It's a very weird but funny video. Anywhos. I hope ya like this.

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What Would You Give?

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Sasuke and Naruto were sat in team seven's usual training ground, eating lunch. Naruto had a rather evil look on his face. Sasuke was starting to get bothered, even though he would never show it. He was an Uchiha after all.

"What's wrong with you Dobe?" Sasuke asked. Naruto grinned at him. "Nothing." He replied. "Where's Sakura?" Sasuke asked. "Oh, Sakura got the flu." Naruto replied. Sasuke knew better then to ask about Kakashi. After all, Kakashi was always late.

Naruto turned to look at Sasuke curiously. "You know it's times like this when I wonder if Kakashi-Sensei is training us enough." Naruto stated.

"What are you talking about Naruto?" Sasuke asked. More than a little confused by Naruto's strange behaviour.

"Well, after all, we should be pretty strong right now. Yet you still haven't killed your brother." Naruto replied.

"This had better be going somewhere Dobe." Sasuke hissed angrily.

"Of course it is. What I'm saying is that if there was a fantastic weapon that could destroy your brother, what would you give to get that weapon?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke thought about it for a moment. _"A weapon that can kill Itachi?"_ Sasuke thought. "What are you talking about Naruto?" Sasuke asked, for the second time that day.

"Say Orochimaru came up to you and said _Sasuke I have the ultimate weapon. It can kill Itachi. I will give it to you on one condition._ What would you say?" Naruto asked. Mimicking Orochimaru's voice perfectly.

"What's the condition?" Sasuke asked suspiciously.

"He's not gonna tell you." Naruto replied.

"There is no way I'm making a deal with Orochimaru without knowing the catch." Sasuke stated.

"But it's for a weapon that can kill your brother and avenge your clan! I figured you'd want that!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Not until I know what the condition is." Sasuke replied.

"Okay I'll tell ya. He wants to take one of your ears." Naruto stated.

"What the fuck? What the heck would he want with my ear?" Sasuke asked.

"He has a fetish for Uchiha, and ears, so he'll create a retard clone out of it and use the ear in his alone time." Naruto replied.

Sasuke blinked. "What the hell? Where do you come up with this crap?" Sasuke asked.

"Are you gonna go through with the deal or not?" Naruto asked.

"It's my ear, what the hell am I going to do with only one ear?" Sasuke asked.

"After you kill your brother you'll be able to go and get Tsunade Baa-Chan to make you loads of fake ears." Naruto replied.

"Which ear?" Sasuke asked.

"Your choice." Naruto replied.

"Okay, I'll trade my left ear for the ultimate weapon to kill my brother." Sasuke stated.

"Are you sure?" Naruto asked.

"Yes Dobe I'm sure." Sasuke replied.

"You can't chicken out." Naruto added.

"I've never chickened out!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Because the whole world is counting on you to finish off Itachi, including me, coz he wants Kyubi." Naruto replied.

"Okay I get it." Sasuke said.

"So you're definitely going through with the deal?" Naruto asked.

"I said I was didn't I?" Sasuke hissed.

"Okay?" Naruto questioned. He sounded worried.

"What? What's up?" Sasuke asked.

"It's just that he's planning to hack off your ear with a meat cleaver." Naruto said.

"WHAT!" Sasuke yelled.

"With no Anaesthetic." Naruto added.

"Screw that!" Sasuke yelled.

"Don't be such a baby Sasuke. It's only while he's hacking the ear off. Then he'll give you a local and cauterise the wound." Naruto said.

"What! Why can't he give me the damn local before he hacks off my ear?" Sasuke asked.

"Because Orochimaru is a sick, degenerate sadist, who loves to see people in pain. Besides this weapon would kill your brother!" Naruto replied.

Sasuke sighed and stood up to lean against a tree. "Okay, as long as I get the local when he's finished cutting." Sasuke stated.

Naruto stood up too. "Are you sure you want the local?" Naruto asked.

"Who am I? Rock Lee and Gai? Of course I want the damn Local." Sasuke replied.

"Okay?" Naruto said, in the worried voice again.

Sasuke blinked. "What's the problem now?" Sasuke asked.

"It's just that the Local he gives you will knock you out and then he'll hump you like Akamaru used to hump legs." Naruto replied.

"WHAT?" Sasuke yelled.

"That's not all, once he's done he'll let Kabuto and his other weirdoes have a crack at you too." Naruto added.

"Oh HELL No! The deal is off. There is no way I'm doing that!" Sasuke yelled.

"What, but this is for the ultimate weapon. You agreed to the deal?" Naruto questioned.

Sasuke glared. "I agreed to give my left ear for the ultimate weapon. Not to be tortured and molested by Orochimaru, Kabuto and whoever else happens to want a piece of my ass at the time!" Sasuke yelled.

"See, you're what's wrong with this village, heck with the whole five nations! People like you who are on the verge of their revenge and all round happiness, but are too afraid to take the plunge. You'll forever be remembered as a sad footnote in Konoha's history as the last Uchiha that could have avenged his family's terrible slaughter, but opted to cover his own ass, and ear instead!" Naruto exclaimed.

"ALRIGHT!!!" Sasuke yelled. Naruto looked at him. "Okay, I'll go through with the deal. I'll let Orochimaru hack off my left ear, and get molested by a bunch of perverts all for the ultimate weapon to kill my brother and avenge my clan." Sasuke replied sarcastically.

Naruto blinked and looked at Sasuke in shock. "You'd do it with a bunch of guys to get a weapon?" Naruto asked. Sasuke stared back at him, confused. "I thought I knew you Teme." Naruto said. Then he started to walk off.

Sasuke looked at Naruto's retreating back. "NARUTO YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS GOD DAMN CONVERSATION! WHAT AM I GONNA TELL KAKASHI WHEN HE GETS HERE AND YOU'RE NOT HERE?" Sasuke yelled.

"TELL HIM MY BEST FRIEND SCARRED ME FOR LIFE!" Naruto yelled back.

Sasuke glared. "Idiot." Sasuke said, as he ran off to catch up with Naruto.

Out of the shadows, Kakashi appeared suddenly looking pensive. "I owe Naruto Ramen for a month now. I never thought Sasuke would go for that." Kakashi stated to himself, as he pulled his orange book out from nowhere and began to read, giggling to himself like a perverted girl.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay that was a weird piece of fic. I hope y'all found it funny. I owe it all the creator of that video. It was funny. But today it just came to me in a flash of inspiration after watching it, the idea of what Sasuke might do to avenge his clan.


	4. Prison Bitch!

Okay. More crack for you all to chew on. Do feel free to tell me what a terrible person I am.

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Prison Bitch!

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Naruto, Sasuke, Sai, Shikamaru, Neji, Chouji, Kiba, Shino, Gaara, Kankuro, Kakashi and Yamato were headed towards Sakura's house. All of them looked miserable. Why might you ask? Sakura had decided that all the old rookies and team Gai, and Team Sand, and just about everyone else they knew, were going to have a karaoke night. Naruto sighed. "You know we're all going to have to sing right?" Kiba stated. "Troublesome." Shikamaru replied. "So why don't we all do a song together?" Sai stated. Sasuke, Kakashi, Yamato and Neji glared. Gaara and Shino remained impassive, and Shikamaru, Kiba, Chouji and Kankuro looked interested. "You don't mean _that_ song do ya Sai?" Naruto asked. "What song?" Sasuke asked. His interest had been peaked. "Yes Naruto I do mean _that_ song." Sai stated. Kiba snickered. "I like this you two singing it agains?" Kiba asked. "Yes." Sai replied. "This is going to be troublesome." Shikamaru stated with a broad grin on his face.

"What the hell are they talking about?" Neji asked. "We weren't here last time Sakura made us have a karaoke night." Kakashi stated. Yamato nodded in agreement. "I too was on a mission." Shino replied. "Well my team wasn't here." Kankuro added. Kiba grinned evilly. "You'll see." Kiba stated teasingly.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The whole gang were at Sakura's house. Everyone was gathered around, and Sakura, Temari and Ino had just finished wiring up the Karaoke machine. "So who's going to go first?" Sakura called. Sai and Naruto grinned and jumped up. Now that Kakashi, Yamato, Sasuke, Shino, Gaara and Kankuro had no idea what was going on, their interest was entirely focused on Sai and Naruto.

"Okay you guys. We know you love this song, so Sai and I decided to sing it again." Naruto stated. Sakura squealed and grabbed a CD, throwing it in the karaoke machine, and the girls giggled evilly. Kiba, Chouji and Shikamaru were smirking. Temari sat down next to her brothers. "Do _you_ know what they're up to?" Kankuro asked his sister. She grinned. "I was here for the Chunin exams last time they did this." Temari replied. Sai and Naruto got up to stand in front of everyone. Of course, now the guys were extremely curious. Sasuke watched as Sai took the microphone as a tune started playing.

"They say our love is taboo  
that what we're doing is wrong  
but I don't care what they say 'cause my love is so strong" Sai started. Naruto was swaying along to the tune. Sasuke stared at the pair, wide-eyed. Sai carried on.

"They tell us we should be ashamed  
we're not husband and wife  
But I cherish each moment with you  
I'm so glad you're in my life." Sai crooned, as he swayed to the music. Sakura and Ino giggled madly. Sai carried on with the song.

"You're my prison bitch,  
My prison bitch,

You're not like other men.  
I'm glad we share a prison cell when lights go out at ten!" Kiba and Chouji wolf-whistled.

"I can't escape the way I feel now that would be a crime.  
As long as I am doing you I don't mind doing time!" Sai sung loudly. Gaara had a wide smirk on his face as the song carried on.

"'cause you're my  
Prison bitch, my prison bitch  
and I have no regrets.

I got you for a candy bar and a pack of cigarettes!" Sai exclaimed, as Naruto wiggled his hips suggestively.

"At first you were resistant but now you are my friend.  
I knew that I would get you in the end!" Sai sang, as he wrapped an arm around Naruto's waist. Sasuke's jaw had dropped so low, Kakashi was sure it would touch the floor if he measured it.

Sai carried on singing, whilst holding on to Naruto. "Prison bitch,  
prison bitch,  
I guess that you were sent from up-above  
Yeah!  
Prison bitch,  
prison bitch,  
and now you are my prisoner of love!" Sai sung out, making all the girls in the room laugh loudly.

Naruto pulled away from Sai and started singing into his own microphone. "I'm your prison bitch,  
your prison bitch,  
and you're a sex machine!" Naruto sang out. His voice high-pitched like a girl's.

"Uh huh!" Sai added bluntly.  
Naruto carried on. "I only have but one request  
how 'bout some Vaseline?"

"Shut up!" Sai added.  
"I'm tired of this prison cell.  
I need to get away!

They sentenced me to seven years not seven times a day!" Naruto sang out almost pleadingly. Kankuro and Neji snickered.

"I'm your prison bitch,  
your prison bitch,  
you nympho-maniac!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Come here!" Sai added, and tried to grab Naruto, who danced out of the way.  
"I really hate these knockers that you tattoo'd on my back!" Naruto sang.  
"I thought that I could break away but now I'm losing hope.  
God I'm tired of picking up the soap!" Naruto sang out mournfully.

"Bend over...... prison bitch!!" Sai started singing again. Kiba and Chouji added background noise. "Oo ooh oo!"  
"Prison bitch!" Sai sang again.

"Doo ooh oo!" Kiba and Chouji carried on.  
"Turn out the lights 'cause I can hardly wait!  
Prison bitch!" Sai sang out.

Sakura and Ino joined in. "Doo ooh oo!"  
"Prison bitch!" Sai added.

Ten Ten and Lee joined in. "Doo ooh oo!"  
"When I get out I'm ready to go straight!" Naruto butted in.

"You're my prison bitch,  
my prison bitch,  
I'll never say goodbye!  
You're not like all the others,  
too bad they had to die..." Sai trailed.

Naruto gave a mock surprised face, then started singing again. "On second thought, I think I'll stay, if you want me to-ooo!  
Your prison bitch is never leaving you-oo-oo-oo!" Naruto drew out.

"At first you were my cell mate but now you're my soul mate! Come here baby!! Come here!" Sai growled out, as she made to grab Naruto.

"Oh no not again!" Naruto shrieked girlishly.  
"Now I know why they call you a 'HARDENED' criminal!" Naruto added.

"Hang on you're about to find why they call this the pokey!" Sai stated smugly.

The group all started cheering loudly as Naruto and Sai took their bows. Sasuke was in a state of shock, a thin trickle of blood dribbled from his nose. Kakashi waved a hand in front of Sasuke's face, but the Uchiha was still dazed.

"Sorry guys, but I have to go." Naruto stated loudly. Sasuke snapped out of his daze then. "Awe why Naruto-Kun?" Sai asked suggestively. Sasuke saw red. "Because I have a mission tomorrow from Tsunade Baa-Chan." Naruto replied. Naruto went to grab his jacket, which was next to Sasuke. "You alright Teme?" Naruto asked. Sasuke blinked. "Why would you ask a question like that Dobe?" Sasuke asked. "'Cause you're bleeding?" Naruto questioned.

Sasuke tentatively touched a hand to his nose, to find out that Naruto was right. "Hey Dobe?" Sasuke whispered. Naruto leaned forward curiously. "You and Sai?" Sasuke asked tentatively. "Yeah?" Naruto questioned back. "You aren't... a couple are you?" Sasuke asked. "That whole song was just a show right?" Sasuke added. Naruto grinned at Sasuke foxily. "Who says it was?" Naruto questioned cheekily.

With that, Naruto stood upright and left. Sasuke was once again dazed, but snapped out of it, when Naruto left the house. He jumped to his feet and ran off. "HEY DOBE! THAT BETTER NOT BE TRUE!" The group heard Sasuke yell, once he was outside.

Kakashi and Yamato just looked at each other, and then Sai, before they burst out laughing. The other males in the room looked confused, all except Sai. "What the hell was Sasuke talking about?" Kiba asked. "I think Naruto and Sasuke are definitely going to be lucky tonight." Sai stated, before he went and sat down. The girls just giggled, while the boys still looked confused. The whole group could still hear Sasuke and Naruto bickering from down the street.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay the song is a real song. I do not own it however. A friend of mine sang it for the business enterprise at my old college and he sent me a disk, and... I just couldn't resist writing a fic with it. Anywho, I hope y'all liked it. A bit weird, but everyone knows I'm a weirdo naturally. Please R&R and let me know what you think.


	5. Sasuke's Pie Theory!

Okay all. This is a weird little one shot that I am writing for sweet-hinatachan123 that she asked me to write about pie. Strangely enough, that one word inspired this whole mental picture. So yeah... hope everyone enjoys it. Especially sweet-hinatachan123.

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Sasuke's Pie Theory.

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Sasuke was walking along past the park after training when he saw Naruto taking a slice of pie from Sakura. Sasuke's eyes went wide and he ran over towards the pair. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke yelled out dramatically, knocking the pie out of Naruto's hand. It fell on the ground with a splat.

Naruto and Sakura stared at Sasuke for a few moments. For once, Naruto and Sakura, were completely speechless. "Sasuke, why did you just push the piece of pie I made out of Naruto's hands like it was poisoned?" Sakura asked. Sasuke glared at Sakura. "Evil Sakura! How could you give Naruto pie!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"What's wrong with pie?" Sakura asked. Naruto nodded, also wondering what was wrong with pie. Sasuke shuddered. "It's evil." Sasuke stated. "How is it evil?" Naruto asked. "Because it means doing things that obviously hurt horribly when someone gives you it." Sasuke stated. He was trembling in almost fear. After all, Uchiha's don't get scared.

Sakura and Naruto stared at Sasuke in confusion. "What do you mean Sasuke?" Sakura asked. "I'll prove it. Today is pie day over at Iruka's house." Sasuke stated. "How do you know that? I usually go and get a piece of pie from Iruka-Sensei." Naruto asked. Sasuke stared at Naruto. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! Naruto did Kakashi do anything weird to you?" Sasuke asked, checking the blond over like a mother hen.

Naruto and Sakura were extremely confused. "Sasuke, why would Kakashi-Sensei do anything weird to Naruto?" Sakura asked. "I will prove the evil of pie to you both." Sasuke stated. He grabbed hold of Sakura and Naruto by the wrists and pulled them along the street. Naruto and Sakura just complied. After all, this madness had to end at some point. That and they were curious as to what could get under their stoic teammate's skin so badly.

Soon they arrived at Iruka's house, and Sasuke told them to climb up into the tree and watch through the windows. Sakura and Naruto both sat silently and waited.

Iruka stuck a giant pie out on the windowsill to cool, and not ten minutes later Kakashi seemed to appear. Naruto and Sakura looked at Sasuke curiously then looked back through the window to see Iruka giving Kakashi a slice of pie. "They're just eating pie Sasuke." Naruto whispered. "It's what happens after they eat it that's scary." Sasuke stated softly.

After they watched Iruka and Kakashi finish their pie, they saw Kakashi stand up and take the plates to the sink, where he started washing the plates up. Sakura and Naruto were thoroughly confused. After Kakashi finished washing up, he turned around and seemed to be talking to Iruka. "They're just being normal. I mean friends can visit each other and eat pie." Sakura stated softly. Sasuke shook his head. "It's not that." Sasuke hissed. Sakura shook her head still confused. That was when Naruto yelped, and Sasuke stuck a hand over his mouth. Sakura turned back to look in the window, to see Iruka and Kakashi kissing passionately. Her eyes went wide as dinner plates. She saw the pair move up the stairs, shedding clothing all the way up the stairs.

"W-w-wh-what a-are th-the-they d-d-do-doing?" Sakura stammered out. "I dunno but I'm scared!" Naruto said. His whole body shaking. Sasuke was also shaking. The three Genin stared on, as the naked pair ended up on the bed, and Iruka started groaning loudly. Naruto's and Sakura's jaws dropped. "He's hurting my Sensei!" Naruto exclaimed quietly. Tears came to the twelve year old's eyes. "What did Kakashi-Sensei just stick in Iruka-Sensei's butt?" Sakura almost yelled. The moaning and groaning continued, while the three twelve years olds stared in horror.

What seemed like hours later, the pair were finally finished with their moaning and groaning. "That looked painful." Sakura whispered. "Why would they do that?" Naruto asked. His voice trembled. "I told you, it's pie. It's evil. It does funny things to people. I dunno, because they do this all the time when Iruka makes pie." Sasuke stated. "How do you know?" Sakura asked. "I wanted to see if it was a one off thing or not." Sasuke stated softly.

Sakura and Naruto nodded gently. They were both dazed, and as they climbed down the tree and wondered off home, the three traumatised Genin knew they would have nightmares about this for a long time.

xXxXxXx THE NEXT DAY xXxXxXx

Kakashi stared at his three students. Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto all had bags under their eyes and looked mildly traumatised. In fact they'd looked like that since they arrived. Now it was the end of training and Kakashindecided to ask them what was wrong. "What did the three of you do yesterday?" Kakashi asked them. "Nothing!" The three exclaimed and ran off quickly. Kakashi blinked and pulled out his Icha Icha book. "Well now might be the best time to show them that video on childbirth. They're already traumatised as if they'd witness me and Iruka having sex, so sex education won't hurt them." Kakashi stated to himself, as he wondered off.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay that was weird and lots of other things I can't think of but that's what happened when the word pie entered my brain. I hope you all liked this chappie and I'll be updating soon.


	6. The Best Friends Song

Okay everyone. Another point where the Naruto characters do Karaoke. I don't own this song. It belongs to Stephen Lynch, even though I changed the lyrics slightly, to match Gaara and Naruto. Have fun with this. I had fun writing it.

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The Best Friends Song.

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Everyone gathered at a local Konoha bar. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Sai, the other rookies, Team Gai, Team Sand, the Sensei's and Tsunade and Jiraiya. Shizune was not there for some reason. Naruto insisted that it was because she must be with Iruka, as he wasn't there either. But no one wanted to speculate on either of the pair having a love life.

The group had gathered at a local bar for karaoke. It had been the girls' idea. The females insisted on everyone bonding over karaoke. None of the boys felt the great need to argue with the girls (keeping the parts that made them men was far more important to them) and they arrived at the karaoke bar with plenty of time to spare. Gaara was sat next to Naruto. "Hey Gaara, let's sing a song together." Naruto said, grinning foxily at his friend. Gaara blinked. "What song?" Gaara asked. "I'll give you the lines, you sing along with your part okay?" Naruto asked. Gaara nodded, not thinking that this could be too hard.

Naruto grinned widely. "Come on Gaara!" Naruto grabbed hold of the redhead's wrist and dragged him up on stage. The group cheered. "Okay, seeing as me and Gaara are such good friends, even though we're so different, we'll sing a song about our differences." Naruto stated. He handed Gaara the lines and Gaara looked over them. That was when the music started up.

"I like my toast buttered!" Gaara started.

"And I like mine dry!" Naruto added.

"I like eating Dango!" Gaara sang.

"I'm a Ramen kinda guy!" Naruto chimed in.

"I have fine taste!" Gaara exclaimed.

"And I like things cheap!" Naruto sang.

"I like to stay up all night!" Gaara chimed.

"I just want to sleep......... with your sister!" Naruto trailed.

"What?" Gaara looked confused. "What do you mean what?" Naruto asked. "You just said something about you wanna sleep wi-" Gaara was cut off by Naruto. "Let's carry on shall we?" Naruto asked. "You ready?" He added. "No! I wanna know what you-" Gaara was once again cut off by Naruto. "Come on." Naruto pressed. "Fine." Gaara conceded.

"I like the moonlight!" Gaara sang out.

"And I wanna nail your sister!" Naruto chimed.

"See you did it again!" Gaara yelled. Naruto pretended not to here.

"I like Yukie Fujikaze movies!" Gaara sang out again.

"And I just wanna Fuck the Shit out of your sister!" Naruto sang.

Gaara glared. "What the hell Naruto!" Gaara yelled.

"Gaara you'd rule," Naruto started.

"What?" Gaara asked.

"If you'd say it's Cool!" Naruto added.  
"It's NOT cool!" Gaara exclaimed.

"I'd go pick her up from the Shinobi School! Yeah... your sister!" Naruto crooned.

"What the HELL are you talking about Naruto?" Gaara hissed. He didn't like where this song was going.

"Yeah, I wanna fuck your sister,

I wanna fuck her in the ass,

And just cum all over her chin,

Well I'd stick my fist in her B

And move it around and then move into her A-hole and it would be so fucking great!  
I'd nail her!  
yeah I wanna Fuck your sister!" Naruto seemed to be getting completely lost in what he was singing.

"WAIT!" Gaara yelled.

"What?" Naruto asked.

"Woah God Damnit!" Gaara exclaimed.

"What?" Naruto asked.

"You wanna fuck my sister?" Gaara asked.

"Uh...... Yes I do?" Naruto replied.

"You! Want to fuck my sister?" Gaara asked again.

"Yes I do!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Ten bucks?" Gaara asked.

"Deal!" Naruto agreed. The two shook on it. Then they saw the look Temari gave them.

"We'd better run!" Gaara yelled, as the two males ran out of the back entrance of the bar. "GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! WAIT WHEN I CATCH YOU! I'LL WIND SCYTHE JUTSU YOU TO DEATH!" Temari screamed, as she pulled out her giant fan and ran out of the back door after the two boys.

The rest of the group blinked in awe and confusion at the show they'd just witnessed. "What the heck was that about?" Sakura asked. "That was... mentally scarring." Sasuke stated. "Troublesome!" Shikamaru added. Kankuro just blinked.

At that moment, Gaara and Naruto ran back into the bar through the front door, grabbed their jackets and ran back out of the bar. Singing one last word together.

"SISTERS!" They yelled. Then set off again, with Temari in hot pursuit. Everyone stared, as they heard Temari screaming out death threats half way down the street. "That was strangely amusing." Sai said blankly. Everyone stared at Sai then. "You're weird." Sasuke stated. The group just sat there drinking their drinks in silence, whilst they heard the crashes of Temari's wind scythe jutsu in the background.

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Hehe, okay I hope you all enjoyed this fic. Just look for Stephen Lynch on youtube and you can find any of his songs. They're all rather depraved but hilarious at the same time. Please R&R and tell me what you think. I'll be updating soon.


	7. Why Konoha Doesn't Have Any Phones!

Okay all, another crack fic for ya to chew over. Hope you all like it.

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Why Konoha Doesn't Have Any Phones.

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Naruto was sat under a tree one day eating doughnuts when a bird started flying around above him. He glared at the little brown bird. "Damn it! Why can't Baa-Chan let me eat my doughnuts in peace?" Naruto almost wailed. Then he got up and started heading for the Hokage tower. He walked along, and saw Sakura, Sai and Yamato heading towards the tower also. "Why does Baa-Chan always send birds for crying out loud?" Naruto yelled out irritably. Sakura whacked Naruto over the head and glared. "I don't know. I gave her my cell number last week!" Sakura yelled back. The group made their way to the Hokage tower in silence after that.

When they walked into Tsunade's office, they saw her writing something down as she spoke to someone on a... telephone? She looked very serious as she wrote down whatever information was being exchanged. "Thanks Mac." She stated seriously, placing the phone on the hook. Then she grinned widely. "Ah a nice conversation with my bookie is always good for cheering me up." Tsunade stated.

Sakura, Sai, Naruto and Yamato anime fell on to the floor. Sasuke and Kakashi came into the room after that. "Okay you six are going on an S rank mission to capture an Akatsuki member. He's new and apparently uses monkeys." Tsunade stated. The group stared wide eyed at Tsunade for a moment, then Naruto stepped forward.

"Tsunade Baa-Chan?" Naruto asked gently. "Yeeees Naruto?" Tsunade asked back. "Why do you always call for us using messenger birds? I mean I have a cell phone, Sakura has a cell phone, I think we all have cell phones." Naruto stated. Everyone looked at Sai. He pulled out a black cell phone from his pocket. "Even the emotionally retarded one has a cell phone." Sasuke stated stoically. "Talk about the pot colouring the kettle black." Sai muttered.

Tsunade stared at the group for a moment. Then she grinned widely. "It's much cooler to use messenger birds then phones." Tsunade replied. Everyone anime fell onto the floor. Then Naruto jumped up glaring. "THAT'S RIDICULOUS!!!" Naruto yelled. "Well that's the way it is. All ninja use messenger birds." Tsunade stated.

"So what you're telling us is that if we have trouble in this battle, and we call for back up, we have to send a messenger bird instead of using our cell phones?" Sakura asked. "That's correct." Tsunade replied. "A bird that might take a week to get here, in which time it'll take a few days to gather up the right team for the mission, and then it'll take them a week to find us?" Sasuke asked. "That's right." Tsunade replied again. "And in the time the bird takes, and picking the team, and the team's journey, we could all be killed anyway, and our potential deaths could be avoided by using our cell phones?" Sai asked. "Absolutely." Tsunade stated happily.

"Baa-Chan?" Naruto questioned. "Yes Naruto?" Tsunade replied. "Have you been drinking Sake today?" Naruto asked. "Of course I have! Twenty seven bottles and counting." Tsunade replied. The group tilted their heads to see over fifty bottles lying around behind the desk. "Where did the other bottles come from then?" Sakura asked. "What other bottles?" Tsunade asked, as she looked around curiously.

"I think it's time we went on our mission." Kakashi stated. "But this dude uses monkeys!" Naruto yelled. "We can discuss the details on the way." Kakashi stated. The group took the scroll from the table and left the room, while Tsunade searched the room for more Sake. And that is how the group found out about why Ninja's didn't use phones.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all tell me what you think of my latest piece of crack. Please R&R and I'll be updating soon.


	8. Cock Blocker Revenge!

Okay another comedy one shot for all of you. I hope you all like it. I got the idea for this from watching Pablo Francisco on youtube. That dude is hilarious. At least to me he's hilarious.

Warning: Inappropriate material for young readers. Including the usage of rather foul language.

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Cock Blocker Revenge.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke was glaring at nothing in particular whilst eating ramen. Usually Sasuke never willingly went to Ichiraku Ramen unless he was with Naruto. Today was different.

Now I'm sure everyone is wondering why today is different. Well Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were adults now. They lived in their own places (mostly), they did their own things (including missions) and they had perfectly human urges. Such as the need for sex. On the Hokage's orders, all single Shinobi were now forced to share apartments with each other. Sakura shared an apartment with Ino. Sometimes Sasuke thought Sakura and Ino were lucky. When they decided to bring someone home, no one interrupted them. However, Sasuke lived with Neji and Sasuke was beginning to regret not living with Naruto. The reason for this was because Neji was the one and only "Captain Sex Blocker" to everyone who knew him. Sasuke was sure that Neji did it on purpose. In fact he was ninety nine percent positive that Neji did it on purpose. Every time Sasuke bought a girl back to their apartment, Neji would somehow ruin the mood and Sasuke had not been laid in a while. He was getting cranky, angry and sexually frustrated. Not to mention all the murderous intent he felt towards Neji. Neji however, seemed to be a real ladies man, so he got laid regularly. One example of this was last night. (it was now Saturday)

xXxXxXx LAST NIGHT FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

Sasuke arrived back at the apartment with a nameless girl. He never went for anyone he knew for a one night stand, after all that would ruin his working relationships with his friends. Anywho, Sasuke led nameless girl number 372 into the apartment. She seemed quite eager to sleep with him. Most girls were, with Sasuke's good looks as a baseline, all he usually needed to do was talk to them. Just as they were about to go into Sasuke's bedroom, Neji appeared. "Hey Sasuke, I thought you were gay." Neji stated blandly. Then he introduced himself to the nameless girl. Within ten seconds that girl was gone, despite Sasuke explaining that he wasn't gay. The girl seemed to believe Neji. It was Neji's cock blocker powers.

xXxXxXx END FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

Sasuke sighed as he stared into his ramen. If only he knew a way to at least get revenge on Neji it wouldn't be so bad.

"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto called out cheerfully. Sasuke glared at his blond best friend. "What do you want Dobe?" Sasuke asked. "Nothing. I can see Neji is totally cock blocking you." Naruto stated. Sasuke fell off of the stool he'd been sitting on in shock. Did everyone know about his problem?

"Before you ask, everyone knows about your problem." Naruto stated as he sat on the stool next to Sasuke's. It was almost as if the blond had read his mind. Sasuke looked at Naruto wide eyed. That was when Sakura came in to Ichiraku Ramen. "Oh are you two having that conversation you've been meaning to have with him?" Sakura asked Naruto. "Yeap." Naruto replied. "Okay I'll come back later." Sakura quipped. Then she left.

"What the fuck Naruto? Does the whole village know that Neji's a freaking cock blocker or something?" Sasuke growled. Naruto smirked. "Yeah of course we all knew. Most of us have lived with Neji at some point or other." Naruto replied. "Then why the hell didn't you tell me before I moved in with him?" Sasuke asked incredulously. "You're the one that said you'd rather live with Neji then with me." Naruto replied.

"I hate you so much right now." Sasuke stated. "I know, I luv ya too Teme. But I can solve your problem." Naruto replied. "Unless you can stop Neji's ability to cock block then you can't help me." Sasuke hissed. "There is no special power. Anyone can cock block Sasuke. He just does it because he's a drunken asshole when he's not on missions." Naruto replied. Sasuke glared. "I can help you to gain sweet revenge however." Naruto added.

At this Sasuke had jumped to his feet and was staring at Naruto impatiently. "Tell me." Sasuke stated. "The great Sasuke Uchiha is asking me for help?" Naruto quipped cheekily. "I'm begging you Naruto. With Neji around I can't get laid. It's impossible. I need to get revenge. Please Naruto." Sasuke almost begged.

Naruto nodded. "I will help you Sasuke. But only because you're my best friend. That and I've dealt with living with Neji before. Now I've just stopped living with Kiba and he's just as bad. But this works on any cock blocker." Naruto stated.

Sasuke waited with baited breath. "You cock block them back." Naruto added. Sasuke fell off of his stool again. "How the hell do you cock block Captain Sex Blocker?" Sasuke asked. "That's so easy that you won't believe it until you try it." Naruto replied. Sasuke waited with baited breath for Naruto to carry on. Naruto pulled out a disc from his bag. Sasuke stared at the disc incredulously. "What the hell is that?" Sasuke asked. "Play this the next time Neji brings a girl back to the apartment and you will never have a problem again. In fact he might just kick you out." Naruto replied.

"Where the hell would I live Dobe?" Sasuke stated. "If you weren't rich I might believe that statement. But no worries, you can come and live with me. Kiba left my place just last night. I think him and Neji would be the perfect flatmates. Oh and remember to ask nicely before you put the disc on and remember to act dumb the whole time you're playing it. I'm sure you can add your own little twists." Naruto replied.

Sasuke took the disc from Naruto. It was in a little orange, plastic case. "What's on this disc?" Sasuke asked. "Do you really care?" Naruto asked. "No not really." Sasuke replied. He placed the disc in his own bag. "Want me to tell you if it works?" Sasuke asked. "I'll know if it works." Naruto replied. Sasuke shrugged and went home.

xXxXxXx THAT NIGHT xXxXxXx

Sasuke was sat in the front room that night. He had been disheartened by the terrible cock blocking powers of Neji the night before and Saturday was when Neji usually bought a girl back to the apartment. Sasuke sat waiting until Neji came in, with a nameless girl on his arm. "Hey Sasuke this is Dixie. We'll just be in the bedroom." Neji stated blandly. The girl giggled. "There are girls called Dixie living in Konoha?" Sasuke asked. Neji raised a brow. "Obviously." Neji replied. "Can I play some music so I don't have to listen?" Sasuke asked innocently. "Sure whatever." Neji quipped. Then he went into his bedroom with Dixie.

Sasuke turned on the disc and set the volume to loud. That was when a very unexpected song started playing.

"You're my prison bitch,

My prison bitch,

And I have no regrets,

I bought you for a candy bar

And a pack of ciggerettes..."

Sasuke's eyes went wide. _"What the fuck kind of music is this?"_ Sasuke thought. _"I mean no one could actually have sex to- OH!"_ Sasuke's mind finally caught up to Naruto's evil plan and for once he couldn't help but admire Naruto's genius.

He waited for the song to finish. Then another song came on.

"Why do you build me up,

(build me up)

Buttercup baby, just to let me down,

(let me down)

And mess me around,

And then worst of all,

(worst of all)

You never call, baby, when you say you will,

(say you will)

But I love you still..."

Then Neji opened the door angrily. "What the hell Sasuke!" The frazzled Hyuga hissed. Sasuke decided to play dumb. "I'm just listening to music." Sasuke replied. Neji growled and went back into his room. Sasuke smirked as he skipped the song.

"I got chills, they're multiplying,

And I'm loooosing contro-ol,

Coz the power, you're supplying

Is electrifying."

Sasuke smirked as he heard the springs stop squeaking again.

"You're the one that I want,

You are the one I want,

Ooh ooh ooh honey,

The one that I want,

You are the one I want,

Ooh ooh ooh,

The one I need, oh yes indeeeed."

Sasuke didn't personally like the music but he knew exactly how annoying this must be. Just as he heard, who he assumed must be Neji, getting up to come and yell again. He skipped to the next song.

"It was a monster mash!"

Sasuke's eyes went wide. _"What the hell? This is one of those songs you play at really bad Halloween parties."_ Sasuke thought to himself. He would've laughed at the cursing he heard from both people in the next room, however he needed to carry on playing dumb. After all, Naruto's plan was pretty much ingenious, and he was going to trust Naruto's crazy thought processes for the first time in his life. So once again he decided to skip to the next song.

"WAKE UP! (wake up)

GRAB A BRUSH AND PUT A LITTLE MAKE UP!

HIDE THE SCARS TO FADE AWAY THE SHAKE UP! (hide the scars to fade away the shake)

WHY'D YOU LEAVE THE KEYS UP ON THE TABLE?

HERE YOU GO CREATE ANOTHER FABLE!"

Sasuke's eyes nearly popped out of his head. _"Nobody can have sex to System of a Down. It's impossible."_ Sasuke thought to himself. That was when he heard the door open and saw Dixie storm out. That was when Neji came out and glared at Sasuke angrily. "We are not living together anymore." Neji stated. Sasuke shrugged and grabbed his stuff. He'd anticipated this from Naruto's warnings in the first place. Of course he was lucky. Naruto turned out to be the best friend ever. In fact, not only was Naruto the best friend ever, but it turned out that he was also the best flatmate ever too. The guy was actually a lot tidier then he led people to believe.

xXxXxXx ONE MONTH LATER xXxXxXx

Sasuke was sat in Ichiraku's with Naruto. Both men were extremely chilled out. In fact Sasuke had a grin on his face. This scared all the little children that walked past, but who cares? Sasuke was finally living the life of a male Uchiha. Or rather the life of a single male Uchiha. As the two sat eating their Ramen, Sakura popped into the Ramen stall, she grinned at the pair and sat down.

"So now that Sasuke is getting laid on a regular basis it gives him grounds to scare small children?" Sakura asked. Both men looked at their female teammate sceptically. "I have something that will make your day." Sakura added. Both men cocked their heads to the sides, curious as to what Sakura would tell them. "Just look into the Dango stall across the road." Sakura replied. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other then went to look in the stall as Sakura had suggested. What they saw made them both hold hands over each other's mouths to stop themselves from laughing.

"NEJI YOU BASTARD! YOU TOTALLY COCK BLOCKED ME LAST NIGHT!" Kiba yelled angrily. "YOU COCK BLOCKED ME LAST SATURDAY YOU DOG-OBSESSED BASTARD!" Neji yelled back. "YOU ALWAYS COCK BLOCK ME YOU ICE PRINCESS!" Kiba yelled back. "SO? YOU ALWAYS COCK BLOCK ME TOO YOU ZOOPHILE!" Neji yelled back.

"Please gentlemen, there's a couple with young children just next to you." The timid, female stall owner said gently. Both men were still glaring at each other. Sasuke and Naruto quickly ran back to Ichiraku's and sat back down next to Sakura, where they burst into sporadic laughter.

Once they had managed to stop, Sakura grinned at them. "I told you it'd make your day." Sakura replied. "You were totally right." Naruto replied. Sasuke nodded, a smirk still spread across his face.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all this was totally random crack. If you want to see a crack fic about something, please just make a suggestion in a review or PM and I will be quite happy to do my best. (nods) See you next time people.


	9. Who's The King of Games?

Okay another crack fic for all of you. I hope you like it. Thanks to all of you who reviewed and added me to your faves and alerts lists. I really appreciate it.

Also I hate to inform you all but I will have no internet for the next four weeks. I am going to be in Cyprus, on holiday with my lovely family (God help me) and there is no internet in my grandparent's place. But I will be writing updates while I'm over there and you will get a new chapter when I come back. I promise.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Who's The King of Games?

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

_Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki..._

"Hey Sasuke? Wanna go to Ichiraku's?" Naruto asked Sasuke cheerfully. The Uchiha nodded and they started walking towards the Ramen stand.

_They are the best of friends..._

"Oi Teme where do you think Sakura-Chan is today?" Naruto asked. "I don't know." Sasuke replied.

_In fact the pair might as well have been brothers..._

Naruto and Sasuke walked into Ichiraku's and sat on their favourite seats. Naruto ordered his usual miso-pork Ramen, Sasuke ordered chicken and vegetable ramen. They both ate quietly. Well as quietly as Naruto ever ate whilst slurping Ramen and one hundred miles an hour.

_The trouble with brothers is that they bicker..._

"Oi Teme! That was _my_ fishcake!" Naruto yelled as Sasuke snatched the little swirly fishcake from Naruto's bowl. Sasuke smirked. "Okay Dobe you can have it back." Sasuke replied. Naruto smiled cheerfully. Until Sasuke popped the fishcake into his mouth, chewed and swallowed. "In about twenty four hours." Sasuke added evilly. Naruto growled and dived for his smirking best friend. Both throwing punches and kicks at each other.

_And bickering usually ends up in a fight!_

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke and Naruto were both stood in Tsunade's office. Sasuke had a split lip and two black eyes. It turns out that Naruto had learned to hit someone open-palmed, in the nose, to cause two black eyes at once. His nose was stuffed with tissue to stop the bleeding. Naruto had one black eye and a gash across his forehead. That had come from Sasuke hitting him over the head with a chair.

Tsunade stood glaring at both boys. She ceased to call them men when they acted like two children in the sandpit at the playground. Naruto, at least, had the decency to look a little shamefaced. Sasuke just pouted at Tsunade petulantly.

"Are you two absolutely crazy? You're supposed to be grown men! What the hell did you need to fight in the middle of the street for? What the hell was so important?" Tsunade yelled. Naruto pouted then. "It started in Ichiraku's so technically we weren't planning to fight in the middle of the street." Naruto stated. "It's not my fault the Dobe rolled into that grocer's cart." Sasuke quipped. Tsunade looked positively enraged then.

"GROW UP WILL YOU! YOU DESTROYED A PERFECTLY GOOD WEAPONS SHOP, DAMAGED ICHIRAKU RAMEN AND OBLITERATED MY FAVOURITE BAR!" Tsunade yelled. "Your favourite bar?" Naruto asked. "Yes! They had the best Sake in Konoha!" Tsunade yelled more. "I don't drink so I don't know why you think I should care." Sasuke quipped. The vein in Tsunade's forehead, dubbed the Bringer of Doom, was throbbing and three times its usual size. "Sasuke shut up Teme! The Bringer of Doom wants blood!" Naruto hissed. Tsunade was shaking with rage.

"You two are complete idiots!" Tsunade yelled. "HEY!" Naruto yelled. "Don't put me in the same group as the Dobe." Sasuke quipped petulantly. "I never thought I would have to until now!" Tsunade yelled at Sasuke. "HEY! I'm _right_ here!" Naruto yelled. Both Tsunade and Sasuke ignored him as they stared each other down. Sasuke, however, looked away first. Who could compete with the Bringer of Doom?

"You two will tell me what this ridiculous fight was about right now." Tsunade stated calmly. Sasuke and Naruto gulped. "Sasuke stole my fishcake from my Ramen." Naruto said timidly. Tsunade's vein started pulsating and grew even bigger, and her left eye started twitching violently. Both males covered their ears as Tsunade let rip.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOUR NAME _IS_ FISHCAKE AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE FIGHTING OVER?" Tsunade yelled angrily. "Hn." Sasuke quipped. Tsunade's right eye started twitching along with her left. "Uh-oh." Naruto whispered.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sakura was walking towards the Hokage tower, when she saw Tsunade's office window smash and two blurs of black and blond fly north. "Oh Ice Dick and Dickless pissed off the old hag again." Sai stated. Sakura jumped out of her skin. "Where the hell did you come from?" Sakura yelled at her other teammate. Sai shrugged. "If I told you, I would have to kill you Ugly." Sai stated blankly and made to head into the tower. Sakura gave a sarcastic laugh. "Yeah okay Sai. Very funny joke." Sakura replied. "Who said I was joking?" Sai asked. Sakura blinked in confusion as Sai walked away.

xXxXxXx TWO DAYS LATER xXxXxXx

Sasuke and Naruto walked back through the gates of Konoha, both of them grinning. "That was fun. We should go back to Wave again for a holiday." Naruto stated. "We'll take Sakura with us. She can keep the weird little kids entertained." Sasuke replied. They looked to see Kakashi reading Icha Icha at the gate. "Kakashi-Sensei what's so good about those books?" Naruto asked. Kakashi jumped out of his skin. "You two shouldn't sneak up on your Sensei! You scared the crap out of me!" Kakashi exclaimed. Both boys looked confused. "Tsunade sent me to find you. She thought you might be back today." Kakashi added. Both Naruto and Sasuke walked with Kakashi to the Hokage Tower.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto and Sasuke stood in front of the Hokage's desk again. Tsunade glared at both boys irritably. "This fighting in the streets and smashing my windows and desk has to stop." Tsunade stated. "Technically, you smash your own desk Baa-Chan." Naruto replied. "And you throw us out of your windows cross-country so we don't break those either." Sasuke added. The Bringer of Doom began to grow in size again. Both males decided to keep their mouths shut at that moment.

"From now on, if you have a problem, you will not solve it through fist fighting." Tsunade stated. Both Naruto and Sasuke raised their right eyebrow to indicate a question. "Instead you will use games. Whoever wins whatever game at the time is the winner. No more fist fighting in the streets and destroying things anymore, or I will have the colour orange banned Naruto. And Sasuke I will ban the colour black." Tsunade stated. "My hair is black and so are my eyes." Sasuke replied. "Well then you'll have to die your hair neon pink and wear pink contact lenses." Tsunade replied. Both males cringed at the idea. Tsunade smirked in victory.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke and Naruto were working on repairing the buildings they had damaged in their last fight when Sasuke dropped a plank of wood on Naruto's foot.

"Oi Teme! You just dropped a plank on my foot!" Naruto yelled. "Hn." Sasuke replied. "Oh that's it! I challenge you to GO FISH!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke blinked. "Are you serious?" Sasuke asked. "As a heart assault." Naruto replied. "It's heart attack Dobe." Sasuke replied. "I DON'T CARE!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke sighed and resigned himself to a game of Go Fish with Naruto.

xXxXxXx ONE HOUR LATER xXxXxXx

Sakura, Sai and the rest of their group walked past to see Naruto and Sasuke playing Go Fish.

"Dobe, you got any threes?" Sasuke asked.

"Go Fish." Naruto replied.

"DAMN IT! STOP BEING GOOD AT GAMES!" Sasuke yelled.

"No Teme." Naruto replied.

The group crept away with their sanity less than intact.

xXxXxXx ONE MONTH LATER xXxXxXx

Tsunade sighed as yet another pile of paperwork landed on her desk. "The pile gets bigger every minute." Tsunade stated angrily. "Actually Tsunade-Sama, they're complaints." Shizune said softly. "What does anyone have to complain about? Sasuke and Naruto don't fight in the streets anymore! In fact I haven't even heard about them having violent spars!" Tsunade yelled.

"That seems to be the problem. People are actually afraid that Naruto is good at something." Shizune replied. "He's good at a few things." Tsunade shot back. "They don't usually involve Sasuke and it's starting to scare people." Shizune stated. "Okay let's go and see what this is all about." Tsunade quipped, happy to leave her piles of paperwork for a little while.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Tsunade and Shizune walked towards an empty training ground. "So this is where they go to play games?" Tsunade asked. "Yes. Apparently they're playing chess at the moment." Shizune replied. They came across the most unusual sight. Naruto was sat cross-legged on the grass, perfectly calm, while Sasuke stared at the chess board.

"Rook to B6." Sasuke said after a few minutes. He moved his rook. Naruto grinned evilly. "Checkmate Teme!" Naruto yelled triumphantly. "WHAT! WHERE?" Sasuke yelled. Naruto pointed out Sasuke's loss to him clearly. "You put your rook there and left your Queen open." Naruto replied. Sasuke's left eye was twitching.

Tsunade smirked. "Well it looks like Naruto won. He's obviously the king of games." Tsunade stated. Shizune smothered a giggle as the pair walked away, unnoticed by the males, who were now bickering over what game to play next.

"Dobe! I'll beat you at something!" Sasuke yelled.

"Yeah right! I'll Uno your ass! Believe it!" Naruto yelled back.

xXxXxXxXxXxX

Okay all I hope you liked this fic. It was so totally random. I don't know why but... yeah I hope you got a laugh out of it. Please R&R and let me know what you think. If you have a subject you want me to write about, feel free to place it in your reviews or PM me. I'll update soon hopefully.


	10. How The SasuNaru Fanclub Was Formed!

Okay another random crazy one shot. I hope everyone enjoys it.

WARNINGS: There is Yaoi and graphic sexual content. If you choose to disregard this warning I don't want to hear your sob stories about being traumatised. I also don't want to read flames telling me I'm evil for writing about a gay couple.

Thanks loads to everyone who reviewed and added me to their faves and alert lists. I really love you all and I really appreciate you taking time out to review and add me on to your lists.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

How The Sasu/Naru Fan Club was formed!

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sakura was sat in her apartment one sunny afternoon. She was thoroughly bored and nothing that she did seemed to actually make the situation any better. Then she decided that she would do some window gazing. After all, watching other people go about their business, while being extremely nosy, was somewhat entertaining. Besides, she knew that Sasuke lived in the apartment across from her, and she could see into his bedroom window on various occasions. Today was no different. In fact today was a good day for her to languidly spy on Sasuke without his knowledge. She heard a knock on her door and cursed. Sasuke wasn't in at the moment, but she had gotten comfortable in her seat on the large windowsill.

When Sakura opened the door, she found Ino outside.

"I was bored." The blond stated, by way of explanation, before she barged into Sakura's apartment.

"I bought popcorn and candy." Ino added. Sakura rolled her eyes as both girls sat on the windowsill and waited for the unsuspecting Sasuke.

When they saw Sasuke appear in front of the window. He was talking to Naruto. What they were saying wasn't heard. Neither girl was too surprised to see Naruto there. After all, since Sasuke had come back to Konoha, he and Naruto seemed to be inseparable. They weren't even all that surprised when Sasuke pushed Naruto up against the wall. After all, both boys were always fighting like a pair of animals. What surprised them was when Sasuke leaned in towards Naruto and...

_licked his earlobe?_

Sakura and Ino stared wide eyed.

"What the fuck?" Ino asked. Her voice had gone extremely high pitched.

"Maybe we saw wrong." Sakura said. She wasn't just trying to sooth Ino but herself also. However when Sasuke pressed his mouth hungrily against Naruto's own, and both girls saw Sasuke practically sucking on Naruto's tongue, that was when their eyes almost popped out of their skulls.

"I _have_ to tell Ten Ten!" Ino stated.

"I _have_ to tell Hinata!" Sakura exclaimed. Sakura quickly summoned a small slug, and Ino summoned a small snake (courtesy of being trained by Anko for a while) and they sent their little summons with messages while they carried on watching, wide eyed, as Sasuke stripped off Naruto's shirt expertly.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Not even five minutes later, Ten Ten and Hinata were in Sakura's apartment. Neither of them could believe that Naruto and Sasuke were making out. Of course when they watched the boys through Sakura's window, Ten Ten's eyes went wide and Hinata fainted from blood loss. A heavy nosebleed is hard to stop. Sakura revived Hinata and both Hinata and Ten Ten carried on staring. Then before Ino or Sakura could blink, Hinata and Ten Ten both made their own summons and sent their own messages.

"Who were you sending messages too?" Sakura asked.

"Kurenai-Sensei." Hinata replied, without ever looking away from the window. Sasuke was now topless as well and sucking on Naruto's nipples. The blond boy moaned very loudly. None of the girls could actually take their eyes away from the scene of Sasuke running his tongue all over Naruto's chest, or the vision of Naruto moaning in pleasure.

"I sent a message to Temari. She's here for the Chunin exams." Ten Ten replied. Ino jumped up suddenly.

"I should send a message to Anko-Sensei!" Ino exclaimed. Then she sent her own messenger again.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ten minutes later, Anko, Kurenai and Temari had arrived at the apartment and were staring as Naruto was stripped of his pants and boxers. Anko took some of Ino's popcorn as she watched Sasuke strip off the rest of his own clothing.

"We shouldn't really be watching this." Kurenai stated with a blush. Anko and Temari glared at the woman.

"Are you serious?" Temari asked.

"This is H.O.T. hot!" Anko exclaimed loudly. At this moment, Naruto was on his knees in front of Sasuke. The seven females watched with awe as Naruto managed to take the whole of Sasuke's twelve inches in his mouth without gagging.

"Go Naruto!" Hinata exclaimed. The girls stared in shock at Hinata's loud exclamation. The timid girl never usually managed a single word without stuttering.

"I have to agree with Hinata. I mean who knew Sasuke was endowed like that?" Kurenai asked.

"That brat certainly knows how to give a blowjob. Can you hear Sasuke groaning over there?" Anko quipped. They stared as Sasuke had his hands tangled in Naruto's spiky blond hair. Of course Sasuke was groaning extremely loudly. Every so often, someone on the street down below would stop and look up, but then they would go about their business without complaint.

That was when Anko and Kurenai wrote their own messages and sent them off.

"How many people are going to be looking out of my bedroom window?" Sakura shot out. Anko raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"You've been getting a hot show for how long now? Don't complain about sharing it." Anko stated.

"I didn't know that this was going on!" Sakura exclaimed. Anko raised an eyebrow in disbelief and then looked at Ino.

"She's telling the truth. She would've told me by now if she had, and I would've told the rest of you." Ino added. Anko shrugged and carried on looking out of the window.

"Wow they must be really horny if they're usually discreet." Anko stated.

What makes you think they're discreet usually?" Kurenai asked.

"Well if they haven't been caught before then they must have been hiding it." Anko quipped. Before Kurenai could make another comment, Anko spoke again.

"Don't tell me that those two weren't screwing like cats in heat before. Look at them!" Anko exclaimed. Sakura and Ino both rolled their eyes. That was when there was another knock on the door.

"It's open!" The girls all called out. That was when Ayame from the ramen shop, and Hana, Kiba's sister, came into the house.

"Kurenai were you serious about that message? I mean... Naruto and Sasuke? Really?" Hana asked.

"Look for yourselves ladies." Anko shot out, before Kurenai could get out another word. Ayame and Hana grabbed a spot to watch out of the window and both girls almost fainted from blood loss when they saw Naruto holding Sasuke's penis in his hands, and licking his way to the top.

"I _have_ to tell my Mom!" Hana exclaimed.

"What?" The other girls asked.

"I should totally tell me Mom too!" Ino quipped.

"I am _NOT_ telling my mom." Sakura replied.

"I'll tell her then." Ayame quipped. Sakura started writing out another message.

"Who's that for?" Ino asked.

"Tsunade-Sama and Shizune-San. If I don't tell them they'll kill me." Sakura stated. Then the message was gone. At this moment, Sasuke had finished preparing Naruto and was entering the blond. Naruto moaned loudly and was bucking against Sasuke. The girls were staring wide eyed at the sight. Several nosebleeds started in that very moment.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

It was another hour later, when Tsunade, Shizune, Hana's Mom, Sakura's Mom, Ino's Mom, Shikamaru's Mom (who was with Ino's and Chouji's Mom), Chouji's Mom, Ten Ten's Mom (who happened to be talking to Sakura's Mom at the time), Lee's Mom (who was with Ten Ten's Mom) and Shino's Mom (who was with Sakura's Mom) were all watching out of Sakura's bedroom window with the rest of the women.

"We should totally have a camera in their apartment." Ino's Mom quipped.

"I agree." Sakura's Mom stated.

"MOM!" Ino and Sakura both yelled.

"My poor little Naruto has been corrupted by that bastard Uchiha!" Tsunade exclaimed.

"Um... Naruto doesn't seem to be being forced Tsunade-Sama." Shizune said softly.

"I know! That Uchiha brainwashed him!" Tsunade yelled.

At this moment, Sasuke had Naruto pinned against the wall, and was still humping him for all he was worth.

"How long have they been at it?" Kiba's Mom asked.

"About an hour now." Hana replied.

"And Sasuke's not finished? Naruto is gonna be sore in the morning." Anko quipped.

"I can't believe they're still going!" Ino exclaimed.

"I told you, a camera is totally necessary." Ino's Mom quipped. Everyone stayed silent. Hinata had a chronic nosebleed. Sakura had tried stopping it several times but had given up, and just gave Hinata some tissues and plasma pills. Hinata was terribly grateful.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"I can't believe he's still..." Hinata trailed off, another two hours later.

"The word is hard, Hinata, Sasuke is still hard." Ten Ten quipped.

"So's Naruto though." Temari added.

"I can't believe they're still at it." Sakura said. Somehow, all the women had managed to find a place to sit and watch with wide eyes. Now Naruto was no longer pinned to the wall, but was being laid over a desk. Sasuke was still humping him without pause.

"Oh my GOD! How is he doing that? Did he take Viagra?" Hinata asked. All the other women stared at Hinata.

"Since when did you get so bold?" Sakura asked.

"Since Naruto and Sasuke started fucking like rabbits outside your bedroom window?" Hinata questioned back. Sakura stayed quiet.

xXxXxXx ICHIRAKU RAMEN xXxXxXx

Many of the Shinobi of Konoha were squashed into Ichiraku's that evening.

"What the hell happened to my wife?" Shikaku Nara asked. Chouza Akimichi agreed wholeheartedly.

"The same thing that happened to my wife and daughter?" Inoichi Yamanaka questioned.

"And mine." Sakura's father quipped somewhere in the back.

"Maybe the same thing that happened to my mother and sister." Kiba stated.

"My daughter is missing also." Hiashi Hyuga stated. The other men stared.

"Um... Uncle?" Neji asked.

"Yes Neji?" Hiashi questioned back.

"What are you doing here?" Neji asked.

"Can a man not enjoy ramen sometimes?" Hiashi replied. Neji gave up at that point.

"Well Ten Ten is missing! She didn't show up for training today!" Lee yelled. Neji nodded his agreement.

"My sister is also missing. Although I don't really care because Temari can take care of herself." Gaara quipped. Lee and Neji stared at Gaara.

"Where did you come from?" Neji asked.

"I've been here the whole time. Naruto introduced me to the ramen here years ago." Gaara replied.

"I agree the ramen here is of excellent quality." Sai quipped. Everyone stared at Sai.

"I'm not even gonna ask what the hell Sai is doing here." Yamato stated. Many mumbles of agreement came from the crowd.

"Are all the women in Konoha missing?" Iruka asked.

"YES!" A loud yell rose up from the men crowded around. Even Teuchi, Ichiraku's owner nodded.

"Even Ayame is gone!" Teuchi cried.

"What the hell happened to all the women of this village?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah, even the Hokage and her assistant are gone." Kotetsu stated. Izumo agreed with a nod. That was when the men saw a boy walking past. Who was the boy? Konohamaru Sarutobi of course.

"Konohamaru have you seen any of the women?" Kakashi asked.

"Which ones?" Konohamaru asked.

"How about Sakura?" Kakashi replied.

"Well she's at home. Everybody went to her apartment today. It was weird. Me and Moegi and Udon were helping out this old woman who lives on the first floor and everybody seemed to be going to Sakura's apartment. Even the Hokage went to her apartment." Konohamaru quipped. He looked thoughtfully at the rest of the men with a hand on his chin. Then he shrugged and started heading to his own home.

"Oh we don't need to worry if everyone is at Sakura's house. I mean what could happen to them at Sakura's house? Sakura's a prude." Kiba stated.

"I'm not so sure." Kakashi said. After all, he had taught his students to expect the unexpected.

"Nah it's fine. My daughter _is_ a _total_ prude. Just like my wife. The women are okay." Sakura's father stated. Then everyone got back to doing what they were doing before. That was when Kakashi looked around and noticed something.

"Where are Sasuke and Naruto?" Kakashi asked Iruka.

"I dunno." Iruka answered and shrugged.

xXxXxXx SAKURA'S APARTMENT xXxXxXx

Everyone stared out of the window. Their eyes were red and bloodshot. Most of them had little trails of blood dripping from their noses. Hinata had pieces of tissue stuck up her nose, but the stream of blood seemed endless. Now Sasuke and Naruto were on the bed. Sasuke was still going.

"We should totally make this a weekly thing." Sakura's Mom stated. Of course Sakura's father had no idea what his wife and daughter were really like. Not unusual for most men.

"Definitely." Hinata stated. The rest of the women stared at Hinata.

"We should make this a club." Hinata added. All the women waited with baited breath.

"How about the Sasu/Naru fan club?" Hinata asked. Everyone nodded and went back to watching Sasuke practically bend Naruto in half whilst humping him.

xXxXxXx TWO WEEKS LATER xXxXxXx

Sasuke and Naruto were walking through the village towards Sasuke's apartment.

"Hey Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"Hn?" Sasuke questioned.

"Have you noticed that all the girls in the village are giving us strange looks?" Naruto asked. Sasuke looked at Naruto curiously.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked.

"It's like they know something that we don't know." Naruto replied.

"Well I don't know what it is that they think they know. Do you?" Sasuke quipped. Naruto shrugged as they carried on walking. They'd been on a mission for the last three weeks.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

From a rooftop, Sai snickered evilly as Naruto and Sasuke stood next to him. Then a Henge dispelled, and there stood two Sai ink clones. "Now that the girls know how hot they look together, it's only a matter of time before Naruto and Sasuke realise it themselves. Then the true Sasu/Naru fan club can begin." Sai stated. That was when a figure came out of the shadows. "I agree totally Sai. Isn't that why I helped you set this up?" Sai grinned at the speaker. "Of course Hinata-San. I bow to your genius." Sai replied. Then Hinata and Sai carried on making plans, unbeknownst to the oblivious Sasuke and Naruto, who walked the streets down below.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Hehe I hope you all enjoyed this. After all, I think this is the first thing I've actually written with graphic sexual content. Anywho, please R&R and let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome. See you next time I update readers!


	11. The Mission In The Make Out Bar

Okay all here's a crack fic for all of you. I know that my crack is usually total crack, but I do hope you all enjoy this. Thanks to everyone that reviews and all that jazz.

I'm sorry that it's taken me ages to update but life has been rather hectic for me lately, so I haven't been jumping at my laptop for a while. I've been rather busy helping my poor Mom to clean up the entire house. I'm not sure when I'll be updating next, but I try to make it a habit to update at least once or twice a month. You see my Mom is having surgery and she won't be allowed to move around a lot afterwards, so I will be (unfortunately as it were) taking over the household until she's up and about. I apologise to all of you that have to wait for my updates, and I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks for your patience everyone.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The Mission in The Make Out Bar.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke, Sakura and Sai were waiting at the team seven meeting spot, the bridge, for Kakashi. Of course Kakashi was late. The weird part was that Naruto was late too. That was when the trio saw Naruto running towards them, his face set in a look of absolute horror and fear. His eyes were wide and teary as he ran straight up to Sasuke and moved the statuesque raven, to stand behind him. There Naruto cowered.

Sasuke, Sakura and Sai all looked at Naruto.

"What's wrong with you Dickless?" Sai asked.

"Yeah Dobe, for once I actually agree with him." Sasuke added. Naruto shook his head fearfully and carried on hiding behind Sasuke.

"Naruto it can't be _that_ bad. Whatever _it_ is." Sakura quipped.

"It's bad Sakura-Chan. It's so bad that I don't even want to talk about it." Naruto squeaked out.

"Come on Naruto what could be so bad?" Sakura asked.

"We've got a mission." Naruto replied.

"We usually have missions Dobe. Doesn't mean that you have to get traumatised." Sasuke stated.

"This is different." Naruto said quietly.

"Why?" Sai asked.

"Baa-Chan is so evil. How could she do this to us?" Naruto squeaked out.

"What mission is it?" Sakura asked.

"!" Naruto shot out quickly. Then carried on hiding behind Sasuke.

"What?" The trio asked. Naruto trembled.

"They want us to go undercover in a make out bar as prostitutes." Naruto said more slowly.

Sasuke, Sakura and Sai all gave Naruto strange looks. Sai didn't understand the implications, and Sasuke and Sakura both thought Naruto was joking. That was when Kakashi arrived with Jiraiya.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura yelled at Kakashi.

"I was in a meeting with the Hokage and it ran over." Kakashi replied.

"LIAR!" Sakura yelled.

"Why is Naruto hiding behind Sasuke?" Jiraiya asked.

"I'm not doing it Ero-Sennnin. I'm NOT doing it!" Naruto yelled. He still hid behind Sasuke. Sasuke tried to move to the side. Naruto moved with him. He moved to the other side, Naruto still moved back behind him. At this point Sasuke just shrugged and gave up, allowing the blond to cower behind him without complaint.

"It's because he overheard you talking about an undercover mission to a make out bar. Which is ridiculous because we're underage." Sakura stated. Kakashi and Jiraiya looked at each other without saying a word. Sasuke and Sakura glared at the two elder males.

"I'm not going to a make out bar." Sasuke stated blandly.

"Well you'll have to take it up with the Hokage because she's already given you the mission." Kakashi replied. Sasuke squared his shoulders defiantly.

"Fine I will." Sasuke said. Sakura, Sai and Naruto looked at their teammate in surprise. Naruto didn't carry on hiding behind Sasuke as the raven walked off towards the Hokage tower.

"Should we follow him?" Sai asked.

"Why?" Sakura asked.

"Because he's going to die. We might as well view his last moments." Jiraiya stated. Naruto and Kakashi were already walking ahead. Sakura and Sai shrugged as they, along with Jiraiya followed after them.

They watched Sasuke walk into the Hokage Tower, they waited outside, under Tsunade's open office window. They heard her office door slam open.

"I am not going to go to a make out bar for a mission!" They heard Sasuke yell.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU BRAT? YOU'RE GOING ON THAT MISSION AND YOU'LL LIKE IT YOU DUCK IMPRESSIONIST!" Tsunade yelled.

"I WILL NOT YOU OLD HAG!" Sasuke yelled back. That was when the group heard a large thump. Then they waited and after a few minutes, Tsunade came out of the Hokage Tower, dragging an unconscious Uchiha behind her.

"Take him and get going on the mission. Just because he complained you dress him in a purple leather mini dress." Tsunade hissed. She threw the Uchiha at the group and no one said another word.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The group (plus an unconscious Uchiha) were all in the red light district of the city shopping for clothing for their mission. Sakura glared as Kakashi tried picking out clothes for them. Naruto hid behind Sakura. Sai was just... Sai. Kakashi and Jiraiya were looking at the emotionless boy curiously.

"Does he really need a new outfit? He's already dressed like a male prostitute." Kakashi stated.

"He's easily recognisable in that outfit." Jiraiya replied. Sakura and Naruto both cringed.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

That evening (with a conscious Uchiha) the group were outside the make out bar. All of them were wearing very weird outfits. Sakura was dressed in a red leather cat suit. Sai was dressed in blue leather pants and tank top. Naruto was dressed in a black leather bodysuit and Sasuke was wearing the purple leather mini dress. Sasuke was in a foul mood. Poor Naruto was being led around on a lead in handcuffs and Sakura felt almost sorry for him. That was until he decided to open his mouth.

"Hey Teme, you make a good looking girl." Naruto stated. Sakura sighed as Sasuke whacked him upside the head. Sai just blinked and watched with a slight tinge of amusement in his eyes.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

They entered the make out bar and Kakashi (dressed in full pimp mode with giant gold chains and everything else) sat down in a booth. Sasuke and Sakura were both standing up. Somehow, Sasuke was wearing purple leather hooker boots and he was not a happy man. Sakura tried her best to just accept her situation. At least what she was wearing wasn't revealing. Then again it clung to her like a second skin so she couldn't really be thankful about that.

Kakashi had Naruto sitting on the floor at his feet, and Sai sat on Kakashi's left side. That was when a big looking male made his way over to them.

"Hey how much for the pretty girl in the purple dress?" The guy said. Sasuke felt his fists clench in anger as he tried to keep his cool.

"Or I'll take the little gimp off of your hands for a good price. He's got such cute blue eyes." The man stated.

Sakura's eyes went wide when the group heard the chirping of birds. She looked to see Sasuke with a Chidori formed in his hand. "No Sasuke!" Sakura tried but failed to get the raven to stop. The bar erupted into chaos.

"I'LL SHOW YOU GIRL YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!" Sasuke yelled.

"AND I'LL SHOW YOU TO TRY AND PICK ON INNOCENT DOBES!" He added. Sakura sighed as she saw Sasuke beat the crap out of the male. After smashing a few tables and a giant crater in the floor with his Chidori. Naruto just sat there wide-eyed and innocently.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The group were in Tsunade's office that evening.

"So you managed to complete your mission even though Sasuke destroyed a whole make out bar?" Tsunade asked.

"It just so turns out that the guy who wanted Sasuke's and Naruto's asses was the one we were looking for." Kakashi replied. Naruto was officially hiding behind Sakura again. Sai stayed neutral, while Sasuke practically growled.

"Oh well. At least I got my specialist brand Sake and you caught that pickpocket at the bar." Tsunade replied. Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto all stared wide eyed at Tsunade.

"This was all about a pick pocket and Sake?" Sakura asked.

"Yeap!" Tsunade replied.

"You made us dress up as prostitutes and gimps for Sake and a pick pocket?" Sasuke asked, too shocked to even yell.

"Yeap!" Tsunade replied.

That was when the group saw red chakra emanating from Naruto. His eyes were red and slitted.

"I JUST HAD THE MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU WANTED SPECIALIST SAKE?" Naruto screamed.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Jiraiya was sat outside the Hokage Tower in a tree, watching events unfold in the office.

"RASENGAN!" Naruto yelled.

"NO NARUTO SHE'S THE HOKAGE!" Sakura yelled.

"YOU CAN'T KILL THE HOKAGE DOBE!" Sasuke yelled.

"Yeah dickless. I thought you wanted to _be_ Hokage." Sai quipped.

"SHUT UP YOU FREAKING EMOTIONALLY RETARDED ASSHOLE!" Naruto yelled.

Jiraiya snickered to himself as he wrote notes into a new notebook. On the front of the notebook was a title.

S&M Icha Icha for Gimps and Hoes!

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next day, the group were waiting at the bridge again. All of them wearing their regular clothing. Except for Sai, who seemed to have taken to his blue leather pants and tank top. He had also added a spiked collar and wrist bands to the ensemble.

"So Sasuke how comes you got so mad at that dude? It was an undercover mission." Naruto asked.

"Because you're way too innocent to get all the implications Dobe." Sasuke replied.

"Awe you were protecting our little Naru-Chan." Sakura cooed.

"I think I might go to that make out bar again. It was very interesting." Sai stated. The group stared at him wide eyed before falling over anime style and fainting.

xXxXxXx FOUR HOURS LATER xXxXxXx

Kakashi arrived. He didn't hear the usual shouts that accompanied his late entrance. That's when he noticed three of his squad collapsed on the ground and Sai standing there looking at them in confusion.

"What happened Sai?" Kakashi asked.

"I told them I was going to go to the make out bar again. Then they just fell over and haven't moved since." Sai replied.

"How long have they been like this?" Kakashi asked.

"Four hours. I tried poking them with sticks but it didn't work." Sai replied. Kakashi sighed deeply.

"We'd better take them to the hospital." Kakashi stated. Sai just helped to carry his teammates to the hospital without complaining. Jiraiya was still watching them whilst scribbling in his notebook.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, I hope you enjoyed that. It was very random. I know it was. Please R&R and tell me what you think.


	12. If I Were Gay

Okay all, another crack chapter in a karaoke bar. Heavily implied Yaoi so don't read if you don't like. Anywho, thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter and to all those people who added me to their alerts and faves lists.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

If I Were Gay!

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto was standing on stage at the group's favourite Karaoke bar. Of course Naruto was absolutely drunk, and had dragged Sasuke up on stage. The girls giggled wildly as Naruto took hold of the mike, and was swaying from side to side as he started singing.

"Here we are, dear old friend." Naruto sang.

"Why am I up here Dobe?" Sasuke asked.

"You and I drunk again," Naruto sang, not paying attention to Sasuke.

"You can say that again." Sasuke quipped.

"The laughs have been had and tears have been shed," Naruto crooned.

"On your side. I don't recall crying today or any other day." Sasuke stated.

"Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head!" Naruto exclaimed singing.

"Uhm... yeah definitely." Sasuke muttered.

"But if I were gay, I would give you my heart," Naruto sang.

"I don't want it!" Sasuke yelled.

"and if I were gay, you'd be my work of art," Naruto sang to Sasuke.

"But I'm quite happy not being appreciated by you in that way idiot!" Sasuke yelled.

"and if I were gay, we would swim in romance," Naruto added.

"_No we wouldn't!"_ Sasuke hissed.

"but I'm not gay, so get your hand out of my pants!" Naruto sang.

"I've NEVER put my hand in your pants!" Sasuke yelled.

"It's not that I don't care, I do!" Naruto sang.

"I wish you wouldn't." Sasuke quipped.

"I just don't see myself... in you," Naruto added.

"I don't see that either moron!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"another time, another scene,

I'd be right behind you, if you know what I mean?" Naruto sang.

"Yeah I do and I wish I didn't!" Sasuke yelled.

"'coz if I were gay I would give you my soul," Naruto sang.

"I don't want it!" Sasuke quipped.

"and if I were gay I would give you my hole... being," Naruto sang.

"Oh _Hell_ No!" Sasuke stated.

"If I were gay, we would tear down the walls," Naruto sang.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke asked.

"but I'm not gay, so won't you stop cupping my... hand!"

"I have _never_ cupped your... hand." Sasuke said angrily.

"We've never hugged, we've never kissed," Naruto sang.

"Yes we have kissed!" Sasuke yelled.

"I've never been intimate with your fist," Naruto sang out.

"Of course you haven't Dobe!" Sasuke yelled.

"You have opened brand new doors," Naruto sang.

"When did I do that?" Sasuke asked.

"Get over here and drop your draaaaaaaaaaaaawers!" Naruto crooned out.

Sasuke's eyes went wide and he made to run away before Naruto grabbed hold of him.

"Come on Shas'kay le's go tear down walls!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke shook his head.

"Hell no Naruto! Fuck off!" Sasuke yelled. Naruto wasn't listening to Sasuke as he dragged the stoic Uchiha out of the bar.

"Let go of me idiot!" Sasuke yelled as Naruto dragged him out of the bar.

The rest of the group stared at the spot on stage where Naruto had apparently been singing to Sasuke. Then they heard yelling down the road.

"Come on Teme! Let's go!" Naruto yelled.

"Hell no Naruto!" Sasuke yelled.

"But Teme, you're supposed to say hell yes!" Naruto yelled.

"Will you shut up if I do?" Sasuke quipped. There was silence then, and the group waited with baited breath.

"Okay Dobe let's go." Sasuke stated. The group all stared at the open window of the bar as they saw Sasuke and Naruto walk past, wrapped around each other.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next morning, Sasuke and Naruto were walking down the street. Sakura walked up to them and blinked when she saw Sasuke limping.

"Were you two too rough in training?" She asked. She hadn't been to the Karaoke bar last night.

"Yeah Sakura, that's what it was. Training." Sasuke quipped. Naruto nodded his agreement.

After Sakura went off the two men looked at each other.

"So when do we tell Sakura-Chan that we're together?" Naruto asked.

"We don't. Let's let Ino, Ten Ten, Temari and Hinata tell her about it." Sasuke quipped. Then both boys walked off into Konoha, Sasuke still limping, and both boys still grinning.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, I hope you all enjoyed this one shot. I found it amusing making it. The song, "If I were gay" is by Stephen Lynch if anyone wanted to listen to it, it's on Youtube or something. (nods) See you all next time people!


	13. How Naruto Learned The Birds & Bees

Okay here's another mad piece of crack. I hope you all like it. I will say that I am back at University now, so I may take ages to update. But please be patient with me, it will happen sooner or later. LOL!

To my anonymous reviewer, Uchiha-child, thanks loads for reviewing. I'm glad you liked the idea of Sasuke being the Uke. I hope that if you're reading this chapter, that you enjoy it as much as the last one.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

How Naruto Learned About The Birds And The Bees.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto was looking at Sasuke, Sakura and Sai. He wanted to ask them something, but he wasn't sure how to. After all, he knew he wasn't the smartest tool in the Ninja kit, though he would never admit this out loud. Some of the male villagers had been bothering him lately. They told him he was pretty. When he blew up in their faces they said he was cute. That didn't help Naruto's manly pride. Yes, Naruto had manly pride, which he wanted to keep intact somehow. Of course it was going to be embarrassing to ask his team mates. Better them then someone random.

He dreaded the idea of asking Iruka. He knew his father-figure would blush bright red, attempt to talk (whilst looking like a fish out of water) and finally collapse on the floor in a dead faint. Naruto also dreaded asking Kakashi. Kakashi was certain to giggle perversely and try and get Naruto to read those trashy, boring novels of his. Naruto knew they had something to do with the whole issue, but they bored him to tears, and he wasn't sure what part of the book he needed to read anyway. Also a reason why he wouldn't ask Ero-Sennin.

Asking Tsunade Baa-Chan would be like committing murder against Ero-Sennin. Tsunade would likely yell about how Jiraiya had corrupted him, and would proceed to pummel him into oblivion, and Naruto still wouldn't have his answer.

What was the question? Well Naruto had been asked by one strange man why he didn't know what the birds and the bees were. So that was his question. What the hell are the birds and the bees, and why are strange men making innuendos at him because of it?

Now all he had to do, was wait for the right moment to ask.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Naruto we're going to Ichiraku's!" Sakura called to the blond after training. Naruto grinned happily and the group walked along the street. Sasuke, Sakura and Sai had all taken note that Naruto had been extremely quiet today. As they were walking, somehow the blond disappeared.

The trio backtracked and found Naruto being backed into a corner by a very strange man. None of them knew who he was.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto had been quietly walking with his friends hoping for the right moment to ask them his question, when someone had grabbed his wrist and pulled him into an alley. He glared as a strange man, one that Naruto had unfortunately crossed paths with before, leered at him.

"You're still pretty Naruto." The man said.

"No I'm not! I'm a guy you weirdo!" Naruto yelled.

"Hey Naruto what's going on?" Naruto could've jumped for joy when he heard Sasuke's voice.

"Hey Sasuke-Teme!" Naruto wriggled away from his position and ran over to his friends.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Hey you weirdo, what were you trying with Naruto?" Sakura yelled angrily, as Naruto was safely with them. The man leered at the innocent blond.

"I was going to teach him about the birds and the bees. He obviously doesn't know himself." The man replied.

Sasuke and Sai glared at the man and moments later the people of Konoha heard the sounds of someone getting beaten up, and the yells of pain from some poor individual. Well, those passing the alley a few minutes later would've seen Sasuke and Sai emerging with a triumphant smirk on their faces, and a leering weirdo lying on the ground.

"Naruto? Why did you go off with that guy?" Sakura asked.

"I didn't do it on purpose. All the weirdoes keep coming after me. It's creepy. All because of this birds and bees crap. What the hell is it anyways? Oh and why the hell does every creepy guy who sees me want to teach me about it? I mean someone needs to tell me soon!" Naruto exclaimed.

Sakura, Sasuke and Sai all stared at Naruto strangely. Naruto cringed a little.

"I knew I should've asked someone else. Even Baa-Chan killing Ero-Sennin doesn't seem so bad." Naruto quipped. He made to run, but Sasuke and Sai grabbed him.

"Hey! Come on you guys! Lemme go!" Naruto yelled.

The trio dragged Naruto along past Kakashi, who was reading one of his books.

"What are you three doing to Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"We're going to find a way to teach him about the birds and the bees." Sakura replied, as Sasuke and Sai carried on dragging Naruto behind them. The blond was still yelling about the indignity of it all. Kakashi laughed loudly.

"Good luck. If you have any problems I could always-" Kakashi was cut off by a loud yell.

"NO WAY SENSEI!" Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto yelled. Horrified expressions lined their faces. Sai however, remained silent and expressionless.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto was locked in Sasuke's bedroom at the moment. Sakura, Sasuke and Sai were all sitting in the next room looking at each other.

"We have got to tell him about the birds and the bees." Sakura stated.

"How could that Dobe not know?" Sasuke questioned irritably.

"He didn't have any parents to teach him, it's not a surprise he doesn't know. We really should've considered this earlier." Sakura replied.

"Why not just be blunt with him?" Sai stated.

Sakura and Sasuke stared at Sai like he was an alien.

"We don't want to scar him for life Sai." Sakura quipped.

"How the hell do you know about the birds and the bees anyway?" Sasuke asked.

"I thought everyone knew about that." Sai replied. Sakura and Sasuke slapped hands against their foreheads as Sai stared in amazement.

"The problem is we still don't have a plan, and if we let Naruto wonder off someone will take advantage of his innocence." Sasuke stated. Sakura nodded her agreement.

"Look at that creep today! Naruto said that's been happening quite a lot!" Sakura exclaimed.

"But how are you going to tell him without scarring him for life?" Sai asked. The three slumped their shoulders, feeling slightly defeated.

"We need more brains then ours." Sakura stated.

"Are you saying I'm stupid?" Sasuke asked.

"No Baka! I'm just saying we're in trouble, and we can't keep Naruto locked up forever. We need the others." Sakura stated.

xXxXxXx ONE HOUR LATER xXxXxXx

Sasuke's house was packed. All the old rookies, Gai's team, and even the Sand siblings (Gaara was somehow there for a meeting with Tsunade) were all packed into Sasuke's front room. Everyone giving Sasuke, Sakura and Sai strange looks.

"So why call us here?" Kiba asked irritably.

"Yeah billboard brow, fess up?" Ino questioned.

"This is so troublesome." Shikamaru stated, as he lounged on the sofa. There were various renditions of these questions flying around until Sakura and Sasuke quietened everyone down.

"We called you here for a reason." Sakura stated.

"Obviously." Gaara quipped coldly.

"Well… you see… Oh hell, Sasuke you tell them!" Sakura exclaimed.

"WHAT? No way! You swore you'd say it!" Sasuke replied, looking slightly miffed.

"Naruto doesn't know a thing about the birds and the bees." Sai stated.

That one line bought reactions like nothing else. Every single jaw in the room dropped until they almost hit the floor.

"WHAT!" Everyone yelled in unison. Yes, even Gaara and Neji.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Tsunade and Jiraiya were drinking Sake in the Hokage office. When they heard something.

"_WHAT!"_

The birds flew off their perches, and Tsunade and Jiraiya looked out of the window.

"Did you hear that?" Tsunade asked.

"Yeah." Jiraiya replied.

"I think we're too drunk, or not drunk enough." Tsunade stated.

"I agree." Jiraiya replied, pouring more Sake. Tsunade blinked.

"If we are too drunk it's not going to hurt to drink more." Jiraiya stated. Tsunade shrugged and the two carried on drinking.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"You're not serious?" Temari asked.

"We're deadly serious." Sasuke replied.

"Besides, creepy weirdoes are trying to take advantage of Naruto's innocence. We can't have that." Sakura added.

"Maybe that'll solve the problem." Kiba quipped.

"They're men?" Sakura replied. Kiba's eyes went wide.

"Well maybe that won't solve the problem." Kiba admitted grudgingly.

"Does anyone have any ideas?" Ino asked. Everyone in the room went silent.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto was still locked in Sasuke's bedroom.

"This is totally unfair. I didn't know it was a crime to not know about the Birds and the Bees. I should've asked Baa-chan." Naruto grumbled irritably. That was when Itachi and Kisame hopped in through the bedroom window. Naruto groaned irritably.

"Go away you two. I have bigger problems at the moment." Naruto stated angrily.

"Like what? We intend to suck the Kyubi from your body, and that will kill you in the process. What's bigger than that?" Itachi asked.

"Well seeing as you guys plan on killing me I might as well ask you. What's the Birds and the Bees?" Naruto asked. Itachi and Kisame looked at Naruto, then at each other.

"Are you serious?" Kisame asked. Naruto nodded.

"Well he didn't exactly have parents to teach him that stuff." Itachi stated, as if to answer an unasked question of Kisame's.

"Well weird guys have been trying to teach me about the Birds and the Bees, but it's too creepy, and Sasuke, Sakura and Sai got really mad at one creepy guy earlier." Naruto said sadly.

Itachi placed a finger on his chin, closed his eyes, and started to think.

"Do we have time for this?" Kisame asked.

"Do you really want the kid to die not knowing a thing about the Birds and the Bees?" Itachi asked.

"Good point." Kisame replied. Kisame and Naruto watched Itachi thinking for a few minutes before Itachi's eyes snapped open and he slapped a fist into his hand.

"I've got it!" Itachi exclaimed. He went and sat next to Naruto and looked the boy in the eyes.

"Do you know about where babies come from?" Itachi asked.

"Of course I do! I'm not stupid! Iruka-Sensei told me that babies come from the stork. That's why I've got no parents. The stork forgot to give me to them and I landed up here." Naruto replied.

"This is going to take longer than I thought." Itachi stated.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The group were still in the living room trying to think of ways to tell Naruto about the Birds and the Bees.

"We could always just give him a porn video. Or one of Kakashi's porn books." Kiba stated.

"You can't do that!" Sakura and Ino yelled.

"You'll crush his fragile little mind like that." Neji added.

"It's true. You'll traumatise him." Gaara quipped.

"What did your parents tell you?" Kiba asked Gaara.

"My father told me that I killed my mother with my birth because my father sealed Shukaku inside of me whilst I was still growing in the womb. He also said they did it during my conception so that I'd be that much more susceptible to Shukaku." Gaara replied.

"Holy crap! How old were you when he told you that?" Sakura asked.

"I was nine." Gaara replied stoically.

"No wonder you have issues." Sai quipped.

"Have you heard the term, 'pot, kettle, black' Sai?" Sakura stated angrily. Sai shrugged.

"What about you Shikamaru? What did your parents tell you?" Sakura asked.

"They told me the stork left me on their doorstep. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I knew they were lying. It's not possible for a stork to carry around a baby. Even newborns are too heavy for storks." Shikamaru replied. The rest of the group sighed.

"What about you Sasuke? What did your parents tell you?" Ino asked. Sasuke bit his lip for a moment.

"Well I asked my mother and she told me the stork brings you to your parents. But I didn't believe that, so I asked my father, and he told me that I got delivered to them in a green glass bottle, by the milkman, and that's how I came to be with them. But I said that was even less believable then the stork story. So I asked my brother and he told me that the Birds and the Bees is what happens between two people who love each other and wish to express that love through a more physical means that I would understand when I hit puberty." Sasuke replied.

"And you _bought_ that?" Sakura asked. Sasuke shrugged.

"He wasn't exactly lying. I knew exactly what he was talking about once I reached puberty." Sasuke replied.

"So _that_ really helped." Kiba stated. The group carried on with the discussion, little knowing that a lesson was already taking place.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Itachi sighed as he looked at the innocent Naruto.

"Well Naruto, babies come from two people that show their love through a more physical way." Itachi asked.

"Like kissing?" Naruto asked. Itachi hit his head against the wall several times.

"No Naruto. You cannot get pregnant through kissing. It's impossible." Itachi stated.

"Well, tell me already." Naruto quipped.

"Fine it's when a man and woman have sex. That's the Birds and the Bees." Itachi quipped.

Naruto blinked once, twice, three times, and then he grinned.

"Oh! Was _that_ it? Why didn't anyone just say so?" Naruto stated. Itachi and Kisame looked at each other.

"Are you kidding me?" Kisame asked.

"You _do_ realise what sex is right?" Itachi asked.

"Um... I'm a sixteen year old boy. How could I _not_ know what sex is?" Naruto asked.

"Good point." Itachi conceded.

"How the hell did you find out about sex anyway?" Kisame asked.

"Oh that? I walked in on Ero-Sennin and Tsunade Baa-Chan when we got back to the village, and Tsunade-Baa-Chan was made Hokage. Kakashi-Sensei told me all about it." Naruto quipped.

"Oh Kami! My eyes! The images!" Itachi exclaimed.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Okay so we're decided that we'll just have to explain it anatomically and then go with the stork and biology?" Sakura asked as they went up the stairs.

"Yes Sakura we're agreed." Sasuke replied.

"Are we still using the monkey wrench?" Kiba asked.

"When in the hell did a monkey wrench come in to it?" Sasuke asked.

"I dunno." Kiba replied, shrugging. Then the group opened the door.

There were Kisame and Itachi. Itachi was sat on Naruto's bed, and Naruto was patting him sympathetically on the shoulder.

"It's okay. You know I still sometimes have nightmares about it. Ero-Sennin and Baa-Chan should really lock the door first. Don't be too mentally scarred Itachi. Besides, at least I know what the Birds and the Bees are." Naruto said soothingly. Itachi nodded sadly.

"So I'll be seeing you guys soon right?" Naruto asked. Itachi and Kisame nodded.

"I think Itachi is a little too traumatised to try and abduct you right now." Kisame explained.

"Oh that's okay. At least I know what those perverts wanted with me. I'll kick their asses from now on." Naruto stated firmly. Kisame and Itachi nodded before leaping out of the window. The rest of the group were too shocked to move. Naruto stood up and left the room.

"Hey where are you going?" Sakura asked, snapping out of her trance before Naruto leapt out of the window.

"I'm gonna beat up those perverted guys. Dumbasses. Sex is between boys and girls. Well and boys and boys, but only when both boys are gay and I'm straight." Naruto stated.

"Yeah right." Sasuke quipped.

"What was that Teme?" Naruto asked.

"Nothing Dobe." Sasuke replied. Naruto shrugged and jumped out of the window.

"So we went through all of this for nothing?" Ino asked.

"It looks like it." Neji quipped.

"Shall we go and watch Naruto beat people up?" Sai asked.

"Shouldn't we technically stop him?" Gaara questioned back.

"Nope. It's more fun to watch." Sasuke replied. Then the group were gone, and all throughout the rest of the day and night, yells from startled, perverted men, rang out all over Konoha.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, what did you think. Please R&R and let me know what you all think. I'll be updating soon hopefully. I'll see you all next time I update.


	14. Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Okay all. This is a crack fic. Personally I have nothing but hate for Twilight, but for some reason this popped in to my head and I had to write it down. So I hope everyone finds it as amusing as I do. For all you Twilight fans, please be aware there is Twilight bashing involved. That being said, let's get on with the crack madness.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Team Edward or Team Jacob.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The Kunoichi book club were having a meeting in Sakura's apartment, (you know. The one that looks into Sasuke's apartment, where they hope to see Sasuke and Naruto having hot yaoi sex, but don't actually admit it anymore, since they haven't seen it happen for a year) and today they were having a disturbing discussion.

"Hinata, why in the name of Kami did you want us to read the Twilight Saga?" Ino asked.

"I have to ask the same question." Sakura added.

"Because I've been arguing with Neji about whether to be on Team Edward or Team Jacob." Hinata quipped. Temari, Ino and Sakura were all confused while Ten Ten nodded sympathetically.

"I know. Neji is being a right bastard about it. He's complaining that everyone should be Team Edward because Edward and Bella are 'destined to be together' and you know. All that fate crap." Ten Ten stated.

"What the hell?" The group stared at Anko.

"What Anko means to say is why the hell is Neji reading Twilight?" Kurenai quipped.

"He saw Hanabi reading it, and decided to find out if it was appropriate for her." Hinata answered.

"Again I ask. Why?" Kurenai asked.

"It's not so bad." Hana quipped.

"Oh my Kami! Stephanie Meyer brainwashed you with her illiterate, non-grammatical and geographically incorrect work!" Anko yelled.

"Oh Kami, here she goes again." Kurenai said, sadly.

"Twilight is NOT a healthy book for teenage girls to read. Bella is a blank slate character, with no personality and even less charm. Any teenager with a pulse can super-impose their faces onto her." Anko ranted.

"And Edward is SPARKLY! What the _hell_ kind of vampire is _sparkly_ for the love of Dango!" Anko added.

"She does have a point. I mean Edward is a pansy ass sparkly vampire. The only real man that Bella should be going for is Jacob, because he is _all_ man." Ino stated.

"Thank Kami, someone agrees with me." Anko quipped.

"Wait, so Anko and Ino are Team Jacob?" Sakura questioned. Both females nodded.

"What about you Temari? What team are you?" Sakura asked.

"It has to be Team Jacob. Seriously, who wants a gay sparkling vampire, when you can have manly, six pack werewolf Jacob. Think of all the animal magnetism. Kami, I don't know what the hell is wrong with Bella." Temari replied.

"What about you Sakura?" Ino asked.

"I don't know to be honest. I got bored of Breaking Dawn after reading the first twelve pages, because they're all about Edward's skin. So I have a biased opinion." Sakura replied.

"You actually got to Breaking Dawn? I couldn't get past the first few pages of Twilight. I prefer the parodies, like 'The Twishite Saga – New Moan' by Stefordy Mayo. That was hilarious." Tsunade quipped.

"Really? Why?" Ino asked.

"Well it says that the sunlight shines out of the vampires asses. Isn't that funny enough?" Tsunade stated. The Kunoichi all snickered.

"What about you Kurenai-Sensei?" Ino asked.

"Team Jacob. I don't need to say anymore." Kurenai replied.

"Well if you think about it. Sasuke is kind of like Edward, and Naruto is kind of like Jacob." Hinata quipped.

"Wow, such a wrong image entered my head then Hinata. You'd better have an explanation." Ino quipped.

"Well, since Naruto and Sasuke totally belong together, why shouldn't Jacob and Edward belong together?" Hinata asked. The Kunoichi thought about it for a few minutes in silence.

"You know, she is kind of right." Sakura said.

"So that doesn't help us decide what team we should be on, or how to shut Neji up." Ten Ten quipped.

"Well maybe there should be a Team Jacward, or Team Edcob or something." Hinata stated.

"That is the best idea ever." Ten Ten stated. An evil grin on her face.

"Really?" Kurenai asked.

"Yeah. Because once Neji finds out that we, the Yaoi fangirls, have decided that Jacob and Edward should be gay, he'll avoid the subject at all costs when we appear." Ten Ten replied. The other Kunoichi grinned, and Hinata smirked evilly to herself.

At that moment, the women all saw Naruto and Sasuke enter Sasuke's apartment.

"Oh my Kami! They're shirtless!" Ino squealed.

"I support random shirtlessness." Sakura quipped as she stared out of the window into Sasuke's apartment.

"Kami Damn it! They're not doing anything except grabbing bottles of water!" Temari yelled.

"They must be going out to train again." Sakura said sadly.

"Damn. It's totally not fair! Those yaoi teases!" Ino exclaimed. Hinata smirked to herself as she watched the reaction of the other Kunoichi.

xXxXxXx THE NEXT DAY xXxXxXx

Neji walked along the corridors of the Uchiha compound. Hinata was writing something on a pink laptop.

"What are you writing Hinata-Sama?" Neji asked.

"My new Edward/Jacob fanfic." Hinata replied.

"WHAT?" Neji yelled.

"My new Edwad/Jacob fanfic." Hinata repeated.

"Bu-bu-but that's against fate Hinata-Sama!" Neji exclaimed.

"Well the book club agrees with me. We're having t-shirts made. What do you think about Edcob? Or Jacward? Ten Ten is leaning towards Edcob." Hinata said cheerfully.

"NO! YOU TURNED TEN TEN TO THE DARKSIDE!" Neji yelled. Then he ran away pulling at his long hair. Hinata smirked evilly.

"Soon Yaoi shall take over the world, and Sasuke and Naruto will get together." Hinata stated aloud. No one was there to hear her of course, and she just carried on writing her Edcob fanfic.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay, please R&R and let me know what you think. I hope you all enjoyed it. I don't know where Edcob or Jacward came from, it's just smooshing together Edward and Jacob in random ways.


	15. Team Counselling

Okay all, here is another crack fic for the collection. I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and added me to their faves and alert lists. I really appreciate it. Please vote on my poll, because at the moment, Team Cat-Kashi and Sasuke-Aniki are in the lead and I would prefer there not to be a tie. LOL! Anywho, I will let people know the results in my poll after I've posted the last chapter of Woah Baby! Which I will be finishing next time I update. After that I will place a new poll up, obviously not putting the winning fic in, and there will be another chance to vote. Of course I'll place the fics in order of when they're going to come out and such, but I'll be putting new ones in a poll. Okay? Well anywho... that was lengthy and I hope you all kept up with that.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Team Counselling.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, Sai and Yamato were all sat in Tsunade's office. Tsunade was sat behind her desk, a bottle of sake on the desk within grasping distance.

"I've decided that you all need Team Councilling." Tsunade stated.

"WHAT!" All of them yelled. Sai was the only exception. He just blinked and looked at Tsunade quizzically.

"Look you're all messed up. Sakura has a split personality disorder, Naruto needs Prozac, Sasuke needs Ritalin, Kakashi is probably suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome that's remained untreated for years, which he tries to hide with porn books, Yamato willingly let Orochimaru experiment on him." Tsunade was cut off as the four teens in the room stared at Yamato.

"Seriously? Orochimaru? Why?" Sakura asked.

"I wanted to be one with nature?" Yamato replied.

"What about Sai?" Naruto asked.

"There is no hope for him, but Tsunade is trying to be thorough?" Sasuke questioned.

"I'm not a psychiatrist. I don't know what the hell is wrong with Sai. I don't even think he knows what his real name was." Tsunade quipped.

"Actually I don't. Danzo changed my name for every mission he sent me on. Sai is the name I've kept longest, apart from 737657320." Sai replied.

"What the hell?" Sasuke asked.

"That's a freaking number!" Sakura yelled.

"Yes. We all had numbers when we were small trainees. I like Sai better though." Sai quipped blankly.

"That settles it. You are having team counselling." Tsunade stated.

xXxXxXx ONE WEEK LATER xXxXxXx

Sakura, Kakashi, Yamato and Sai were all sat in a room, waiting for their 'psychiatrist' to arrive.

"Where the hell are Sasuke and Naruto?" Sakura asked.

"I saw them in the training grounds on the way here." Sai replied.

"And you didn't think to tell them to get their asses here?" Sakura asked.

"No. I may have personality problems but I don't have a death wish." Sai replied. At that moment, there was a loud yell coming from outside the building.

"I AM NOT GOING TO F***ING TEAM COUNSELLING!" Sasuke yelled.

"YES YOU ARE! IF I HAVE TO GO THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TEME!" Naruto yelled back.

"I DIDN'T HAVE THERAPY WHEN MY CLAN WAS KILLED! I DON'T NEED IT NOW!" Sasuke shot back.

"THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WHY YOU RAN AROUND TALKING ABOUT REVENGE FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE AND HAD AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH KILLING YOUR OLDER BROTHER!" Naruto yelled. That was when a loud crash happened, and Naruto came flying through the top floor window. Sasuke jumped in afterwards, and as the two made to start fighting, the group heard someone clearing their throat from the doorway.

"Ahem." The group stared at the girl, who couldn't have been much older than the teenagers in the room. A chubby girl with glasses and brown hair. She grinned at them evilly.

"It seems you're all here. Time to begin your first counselling session." The girl stated.

xXxXxXx SOMEWHERE BEHIND THE FOURTH WALL xXxXxXx

"You can't be the counsellor? You're f***ing crazy yourself!" Oneshot_Yaoi_Shipper stated. Lady Blade pouted.

"We're behind budget and I don't have anyone else available." Lady Blade replied.

"What about Shikamaru? He's really smart. Also he goes really well with most pairings." Oneshot_Yaoi_Shipper asked.

"No! This is not a Yaoi one shot, there are some further back in this fic." Lady Blade replied.

"Really?" Shinigami29 popped out from behind the door.

"What! Where the hell did you all come from?" Lady Blade asked, as other fanfic writers popped out from places around the room.

"We're here to make sure you don't break the fourth wall?" Yaoi Sex Goddess replied.

"Wait. Aren't we doin' that right now?" Lady Blade asked.

"Wow, we are aren't we?" Shinigami29 quipped.

"So can I now get on with torturing the Naruto cast?" Lady Blade asked.

"Sure!" Oneshot_Yaoi_Shipper replied.

"Why not." Yaoi Sex Goddess added.

"Carry on." Shinigami29 quipped.

"Thank you." Lady Blade replied, and then carried on typing.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

So the chubby girl with brown hair and glasses is actually the author, but of course for the sake of the plot, she's Team Seven's Counsellor.

"Alright you lot, we now have to move to another room, because someone smashed the window. Again. I've really got to stop giving therapy to crazy ninjas." The counsellor stated.

"So what do we call you?" Kakashi asked.

"Counsellor?" The counsellor replied.

"That makes me feel like I got convicted of something." Naruto quipped.

"Okay, you may call me... Blade. So let's move next door." Blade stated. The group sighed and moved next door. On the way to the next room, they saw Tsunade and Jiraiya walking into a room with a counsellor (who looked suspiciously like Yaoi Sex Goddess), into a room marked "Couple's Counselling".

"Let's never speak of this moment again." Naruto ordered. The others agreed with resounding nods. They opened the door and found Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru and Asuma, sat in there with another counsellor (who looked suspiciously like Itachilova101), who was talking to them gently.

"Now, when Ino is being controlling you all have to man up and talk to her about it. It's no good you guys being born with balls if you don't use them." The counsellor stated. The men nodded while Ino glared.

"And Ino, you have to stop being a vapid control freak. I mean seriously, a sadomasochist might marry you, but do you really want that?" The counsellor added.

"Ooops, wrong room. We'll go to the next one." Blade stated. They opened the next door to see Gai, Lee, Neji and Ten Ten, sat in front of a counsellor (who looked suspiciously like Weeping Angel).

"Now Gai, Lee, you must surely know that talking about youth all the time isn't the only way to express your youth? There are other ways." The counsellor stated.

"But how will people know how youthful we are if we do not express it?" Lee asked, big waterfalls of tears falling down his cheeks.

"If you don't stop expressing it, I will kill you both and Neji will help me, or he will be sleeping on the couch for a month." Ten Ten stated. Neji's normally stoic appearance changed to one of horror.

"No! Not the couch Ten Ten! NOT THE COUCH!" Neji yelled.

"Oh dear. It seems the rooms on this floor are occupied." Blade stated.

"What about this room?" Naruto asked as he opened the door across the hall from them.

"No Naruto you'll be traumatised!" Blade yelled. It was too late.

"Orochimaru-Sama, I always just wanted you to dominate me. But you were so insistent on having Sasuke around all the time so I never got to have alone time with you." Kabuto said.

"So that's why you injected my DNA into your body?" The other half of Kabuto's face replied (which looked like Orochimaru)

"Of course Orochimaru-Sama. Now we can be together forever." Kabuto replied.

"I'll kill you for putting me in here Lady Blade!" The counsellor (who looked suspiciously like Oneshot_Yaoi_Shipper) with Kabuto/Orochimaru half-breed yelled.

"Who's Lady Blade?" Sai asked.

"Oh my eyes! My ears! It burns!" Naruto yelled as he rolled around on the floor hitting his head against the wall.

"Will he be alright doing that?" Yamato asked.

"He'll be fine. The walls were built to withstand ninja headbutts." Blade replied. Then she pulled Naruto along by his foot while he was still trying to hit his head against things. The rest of the group sighed and followed their counsellor to the lift.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

A few more disturbing rooms (and recognisable faces from ) later, the group finally had a room.

"Now, why are you guys here again?" Blade asked. At that moment another girl walked into the room (who looked suspiciously like Shinigami29) and handed over some files.

"Thanks Shini-Chan!" Blade exclaimed cheerfully.

"Bribery. You're not putting me with Akatsuki when they get here." Counsellor Shini stated.

"No of course not. I'm letting Oneshot_Yaoi_Shipper have them. It's her dream come true. Besides I already put her with Kabumaru today. She deserves an easier gig." Blade replied.

"Kabumaru?" Shini asked.

"Would you prefer Orochito?" Blade replied.

"I'm not sure. I'll get back to you with that." Shini replied and left the room. Blade turned to them and grinned evilly.

"Now for you six." Blade stated.

"Who's Oneshot_Yaoi_Shipper?" Sakura asked.

"What does that even mean?" Naruto added. He'd stopped banging his head against things now.

"It doesn't matter. This session is about you now. You're supposed to tell me your problems and I'm supposed to tell you guys to grow a pair and get a life." Blade stated.

"Aren't you supposed to help us through our traumatic issues?" Sakura asked.

"Are you the Anime psychologist here?" Blade quipped.

"Uhmmm... no?" Sakura replied.

"Then shut up and let's get on with it." Blade said. The group stared at Blade for a few minutes.

"Do none of you want to go first?" Blade asked. The others stared at each other and shook their heads.

"Fine. I'll pick one of you. Candyfloss? You go first." Blade sated, pointing her pen at Sakura.

"What the (censored) did you just (censored) call me!" Sakura yelled.

"I see. Fluffy has serious anger management issues. Not unusual for Shinobi or Kunoichi. Come on spill the beans. What's the deal with you?" Blade asked Sakura, after taking notes of course.

"I don't have any problems." Sakura stated.

"So the fact that you're a flat-chested, inhumanly strong, violent tempered, Sasuke fangirl for no reason doesn't particularly bother you?" Blade asked.

"HEY! I'm not (censored) flat-chested you (censored)!" Sakura yelled.

"What does (censored) mean?" Naruto asked.

"They put that there so that the little kids don't hear us swear." Kakashi replied.

"What the (censored) is the point of that?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't know. Maybe because kids actually read this stuff and I have to protect their innocent little ears?" Blade quipped.

"Huh?" The group all looked confused.

"Never mind. Anyways, back to fluffy. Now Sakura, what first made you so violent?" Blade asked.

"I'm not violent." Sakura replied.

"You totally are Sakura-Chan." Naruto quipped.

"Definitely." Kakashi agreed.

"Yes Ugly, you are the most violent person I know apart from Godaime-Sama, and that is saying something." Sai added. Sasuke hn'ed his agreement, and Yamato shrugged.

"You're outvoted pinky." Blade stated. Sakura glared.

"Look, I was trained by Tsunade. What did you expect to happen?" Sakura asked.

"You were violent before Tsunade trained you. Naruto has the scars to prove it." Sasuke said. Naruto nodded his agreement.

"Look it's not my fault that I have an inner personality waiting to burst out. Maybe it's part of the family genetics." Sakura quipped.

"This inner personality, would that be the one that Tsunade told me about?" Blade asked. Then she wrote down something on her clipboard.

"It's not a split personality!" Sakura yelled.

"Of course it is. That's why you're here. You're nuts. Now is there anything that might have bought this other personality into the picture? Possibly the teasing you got over having a forehead bigger than Rhianna's?" Blade asked.

"My forehead isn't that big!" Sakura yelled.

"Who the hell is Rhianna? Is she a Kunoichi?" Sasuke asked.

"She's a singer." Blade stated calmly.

"If she has a bigger forehead then Sakura then I don't wish to ever meet her. I might be traumatised for life." Sai noted.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FOREHEAD! SHANNARO!" Sakura yelled.

"Ah, the inner personality is surfacing. Although I'd rather it didn't. Last time Sakura allowed it to surface I had to treat Ino for PTSS for two freaking years and now we're stuck with her." Blade stated.

"PTSS?" Kakashi asked.

"Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom? That thing you have and hide with your porn books?" Blade replied.

"Have you ever considered that I just like Jiraiya's books?" Kakashi asked.

"Do you actually have a sex life? I mean no one has seen you with a man or a woman in a sexual relationship in forever." Blade asked. One_Shot_Yaoi_Shipper poked her head into the room then.

"Did you suggest Kakashi was gay?" She asked gleefully.

"Sorry this is a therapy session sweetie, have your fantasy session later." Blade called out. One_Shot_Yaoi_Shipper pouted and left the room.

"Now Kakashi, are you reading these books to simulate a relationship that you can't have because you feel inadequate over your PTSS?" Blade asked.

"You realise I can just say no right?" Kakashi questioned.

"You can but I have a lie detector inserted in my brain. I know when you're telling the truth." Blade replied.

"You know she might have a point." Sakura said.

"About you?" Sasuke asked.

"No! About Kakashi-Sensei! After all, we were supposed to be a three man team when we were Genin's and Kakashi-Sensei didn't really teach us anything except the climbing trees exercise." Sakura replied.

"You know she's right! You're a terrible Sensei Kakashi-Sensei! We could've been killed in the Chunin exams and after the second round, you only trained Sasuke!" Naruto yelled.

"Yeah! Naruto had to go and train with Jiraiya, and look what it did to him!" Sakura yelled, as she pointed at Naruto.

"What did it do to me?" Naruto asked.

"It made you- Wait no I'm wrong. You're still a naïve, innocent and clueless idiot, so you came out of Jiraiya's training relatively unscathed." Sakura amended.

"I'm not an idiot!" Naruto yelled. Blade sighed.

"Right, so Kakashi had favouritism issues and he suffers from PTSS deviancy. Next, emotionless boy, Sai is it? Your name changes every time you come here." Blade quipped. Sai nodded.

"I have decided I would like to keep the name Sai. I quite like it, and the only friends I have know me by that name." Sai said.

"Wow Sai you've made so much progress! You actually know what likes are. I'll see you on Tuesday for our regular sessions okay?" Blade quipped. Sai nodded his understanding and remained silent.

"Wait a minute. You're in therapy and you never even bothered to tell us?" Sakura asked Sai. Sai shrugged.

"Being a Shinobi is very traumatic, a clever Shinobi starts seeing a psychiatrist as soon as possible." Sai replied.

"What about you Yamato? You allowed a snake paedophile to experiment on you." Blade asked.

"I HEARD THAT BIATCH!" The group heard Kabumaru yelled from the corridor.

"SHUT UP KABUMARU! THIS ISN'T YOUR SESSION!" Blade screamed. The group held their hands over their ears.

"Damn she yells louder than Tsunade." Naruto whispered.

"I didn't hear you Dobe. I think I've gone deaf." Sasuke replied.

"Come on Yamato. I haven't got all day." Blade stated.

"Well I was just trying to get in touch my natural side." Yamato replied.

"Okay, he has abandonment issues because he didn't know his parents and wanted to connect with something, which didn't involve Orochimaru's (censored)." Blade muttered as she scribbled something down.

"I didn't say that." Yamato stated.

"You didn't have to. I'm the amazing Anime Psychiatrist." Blade replied. Then she looked at Sasuke. Sasuke glared back.

"You... you just never grew up and hit puberty." Blade told Sasuke. Sasuke's eyes went wide.

"What are you talking about lady? _Look_ at Sasuke! Does he _look_ like he hasn't hit puberty yet?" Sakura asked.

"I'm not asking your opinion fluffy. You can still grow tall without actually hitting puberty. As for muscles, I see twelve year olds who are ripped with muscle. So don't even ask me how the hell Ninja's do that before puberty without steroids." Blade answered. The six were staring at their councillor wondering what the hell she was going to come up with next.

"That and Sasuke has abandonment issues with his brother, who killed his whole clan, and not him and then left Sasuke all alone here in Konoha, while he went on a wacky road trip with the Akatsuki." Blade added.

"Is there anyone that you think doesn't have abandonment issues?" Naruto asked.

"Well you don't have abandonment issues. You have rejection issues, which is why you always try to get everyone's attention. You have to realise that some people are just naturally assholes that don't even care about their own kids, let alone a lonely orphan. That and you need to realise the power of your therapy ninjutsu and use it on your friends more often, then I wouldn't have so much business." Blade told Naruto. Naruto blinked.

"Therapy ninjutsu?" Sakura asked.

"Allow me to demonstrate. Naruto how did you get Sasuke to come back to Konoha?" Blade asked.

"I gave him pictures of Kakashi without his mask on?" Naruto replied.

"No idiot that was the first chapter. What did you do to get Sasuke back here?" Blade asked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. We had a fight. I told him he was being a jerk-ass Teme and he should come home. He said he was never coming home. Then I beat him up and he decided that he should really come back home and stop running away from all his friends." Naruto replied.

"Exactly. Naruto how did you defeat Gaara and get him to stop being a cold blooded killing machine?" Blade asked again.

"Well, we had a fight and I told Gaara that friends make you strong and then I head-butted him and punched him. Once I defeated him he started being a really cool guy." Naruto replied again.

"There you have it. Naruto's therapy ninjutsu. He hits you you're cured of all your problems. That's the reason that Neji is relatively normal now." Blade explained.

"That's creepy." Sakura said.

"Not as creepy as Kabumaru." Blade shot back.

"Don't mention its name!" Naruto yelled.

"I'm sorry Naruto. I think I'm going to have to schedule you separate therapy for your phobia of Kabumaru." Blade quipped. Naruto curled up into a ball on the floor and started rocking backwards and forwards.

"Creepy overload. Evil paedophile mixed with weird paedophile-victim-wannabe. Too scary." Naruto said, whilst rocking back and forth.

"Do we really have to listen to this?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't know. Did you get snake-raped by Orochimaru?" Blade asked.

"NO!" Sasuke yelled.

"That was a very quick answer. I think you're hiding something." Blade shot out. Then she looked at her watch.

"Sorry everyone, but therapy is over for this week, you'll all be here same time next week of course." Blade stated. Then she walked out of the room. Sakura shuddered and stood up.

"Tsunade-Sama has got to be kidding. That woman can't possibly be a real therapist." Sakura stated. She walked out of the room.

"Abandonment issues my (censored) ass!" Kakashi exclaimed as he also left the room. Sai just gave his fake smile to Sasuke and left the room, while Yamato blinked a few times, and followed. Sasuke and Naruto were the last two left in the room.

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked shakily.

"You want to stay at my place so the Kabumaru doesn't get you?" Sasuke asked.

"Don't say its name!" Naruto yelled. Then he went back to curling up in the foetal position. Sasuke sighed.

"Come on Dobe. You can stay at mine for tonight. But you are really going to have to get over this." Sasuke stated irritably. Then he picked up Narutpo under one arm and left the room.

None of the group noticed the clipboard that was left on the chair that the counsellor had been scribbling on. There was a scribbled image of unicorns and clouds. Blade couldn't draw to save her life.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, that's the end of this one. Please feel free to tell me if you'd like to see an Akatsuki counselling session in the future. Or just R&R and let me know what you think.


	16. Hinata's Plan Comes To Fruition!

Okay all, here is another instalment of the Sasu/Naru fanclub craziness. Because for some reason it popped into my head. I hope you all enjoy it. There is also another poll on my profile now, because the old one has been closed. The order in which the fics on the first poll will come out, has been placed in my profile. So please feel free to vote on my new poll (which will basically be set out the same as the old poll)

To my anonymous reviewer, Love-um, uh... a little too much information, but I'd do that to my siblings if they tried to tell me who I could and couldn't see. LOL! Thanks loads for reviewing.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Hinata's Plan Comes To Fruition!

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Hinata pouted as she watched Naruto training with Sasuke. It had become a favourite hobby of hers. Of course, tricking Naruto was very easy, as had been proved on several occasions. But what Hinata needed to do, was trick Sasuke. That would be more difficult. Then something sparked in her head and she grinned evilly. An evil, maniacal laugh escaped her lips, but she soon stopped. It wouldn't do to let the subjects of her attention know she was watching them, now would it?

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto felt a shiver travel down his spine as he grabbed a towel from where he'd dropped his training equipment after training. Sasuke grabbed his own towel.

"Teme?" Naruto questioned.

"Hn Dobe?" Sasuke commented.

"Do you ever get the feeling that we're being watched?" Naruto asked. Sasuke blinked.

"Hn... dobe." Sasuke didn't feel the need to comment on that one.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Hinata was once again sat on top of a building, watching over Sasuke and Naruto when Sai appeared.

"Sai." Hinata acknowledged.

"Hinata-Sama." Sai said back.

"I have something I need you to do. For _the cause_." Hinata told Sai seriously.

"If it's for _the cause_ I will do as you ask." Sai replied. Hinata grinned as she started explaining to Sai what she wanted him to do exactly.

"You're a true genius Hinata-Sama." Sai said, amazement shone in his dark, usually emotionless, eyes.

"Of course I am. Now go and follow my will and _the cause_ shall triumph." Hinata stated seriously. In an instant, Sai was gone.

xXxXxXx THE NEXT MORNING xXxXxXx

Naruto and Sasuke were training in their usual spot when Sai arrived.

"Hey Sai! What are you doing here?" Naruto called. Sasuke glared slightly.

"I just thought I would say hello. After all, all the girls are having their book club thing today." Sai stated.

"I don't have a clue how it can take all day long to discuss one book. I mean most of the time they're reading gay ass stuff like Twilight." Naruto said seriously.

"According to Sakura they're discussing Junjo Romantica today." Sasuke commented.

"Isn't that just a Yaoi Manga?" Naruto asked.

"Yes. Yes it is Naruto." Sasuke replied.

"I don't really understand what happened to all the girls in this village. One day we were all normal Ninja, now all the girls have one day off a week to go and discuss Gay Manga and watch Brokeback Mountain." Naruto stated irritably.

"It has something to do with the Minimum Sanity Requirements for Ninja. Apparently it de-stresses them." Sai quipped.

"I don't get how." Naruto shot back. Sasuke nodded his agreement. Then Naruto went to go and grab a bottle of water from his bag. When Naruto was out of hearing range, Sai turned to Sasuke.

"You know, Naruto is cute when he's confused." Sai said cheerfully. Naruto seemed irritated as he searched for his bottle of water. Then he pouted when he didn't seem to find it. Sasuke gaped at Sai in complete shock.

"I must've forgotten to pack the stupid water bottle." Naruto growled out in frustration. Sasuke found himself looking at Naruto more closely. Of course he didn't think Naruto was cute. That could never happen. But the slight tinge of red that sprinkled across the top of his cheeks was... interesting.

"I'm gonna go and grab some water Teme! I'll be back in a minute!" Naruto yelled, and then he was gone before Sasuke could object. When Naruto was gone, Sai pulled out the bottle of water from nowhere.

"You _stole_ Naruto's water?" Sasuke questioned, one eyebrow raised.

"So we could have a chat. Everyone seems to think that you and Naruto are an item. I just wanted to ask if it was true." Sai stated bluntly. Sasuke looked at Sai in total confusion.

"What. The hell. Are you talking about?" Sasuke asked.

"You? And Naruto? Are you two together?" Sai asked.

"NO!" Sasuke yelled.

"Oh. Well that means I can pursue him then." Sai stated cheerfully.

"Uh... Sai? Naruto is straight." Sasuke told Sai confidently.

"I can change his mind. Is that why you haven't made a move on him yet? You think he'll knock you back?" Sai asked. Sasuke growled angrily.

"_I_ am straight Sai." Sasuke hissed. Sai shrugged.

"Whatever you say Sasuke. Although Naruto is a bit of a girl. I mean his skin is practically hairless, and smooth. Like a girl." Sai stated. Sasuke glared.

"Have you been peaking on him or something?" Sasuke asked angrily. His eyes went darker when Sai just grinned.

"Who hasn't? Naruto's hot stuff. I mean haven't you wondered why none of the guys around here are dating yet?" Sai asked. Sasuke choked on air.

"Are you trying to tell me that _all_ the men in Konoha are _gay_ for _Naruto_?" Sasuke asked sarcastically. Once he regained his composure of course.

"Of course not. It would be physically and logically impossible for one town to be completely full of gay men. But that doesn't stop me wondering." Sai replied.

"Except none of you have a hope because Naruto is straight." Sasuke quipped.

"Of course Sasuke. That's why Naruto doesn't date either." Sai quipped. That was when Naruto chose to reappear.

"Hey Teme! Hey Sai! I'm back!" Naruto yelled. He ran over to the pair, holding another bottle of water. That was when Sai decided to drop the bottle of water he'd been holding on Naruto's head. Naruto yelled angrily, but Sasuke didn't notice, as he saw drops of water caressing the curves of Naruto's face. This was the point when Sasuke noticed that Naruto was actually shirtless, and water was dripping down from his face, past his neck and through the middle of his chest. Sasuke watched as some drops made their way all the way down Naruto's abdomen and to the waist band of the shorts that Naruto happened to be wearing.

"-ole right? Teme! You're not even listening to me!" Naruto's voice penetrated Sasuke's mind and he shook his head rapidly, to break himself out of his stupor.

"_Was I just ogling Naruto?"_ Sasuke thought to himself.

"Sorry what were you saying Dobe?" Sasuke asked.

"I was saying that Sai's an asshole for dumping water on my head." Naruto stated irritably.

"Oh yeah. I agree. Sai don't be an asshole." Sasuke said absently. Both Sai and Naruto both stared at Sasuke for a moment.

"Are you okay Teme? You don't usually agree with me. Maybe we should try and find Baa-Chan to make sure you're not sick." Naruto commented. Sasuke shook his head.

"No Dobe I'm fine. Let's just get going." Sasuke stated. Naruto blinked, as Sasuke grabbed hold of Naruto's arm and started dragging him along. Sai grinned evilly.

"_Hinata-Sama's plan worked perfectly."_ Sai thought to himself as he left. None of them too fussed about the things that Naruto and Sasuke had left behind in the training ground.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The girls were all squashed into Sakura's apartment as usual.

"I bet on Sasuke and Naruto having a steamy sex session today." Hinata stated. The others stared at her.

"I'll take that bet. They never do anything now since the first time. I'm starting to think that that was all a set up." Tsunade stated. None of the other girls said anything. They were watching the window more intently. Tsunade always lost her bets after all. It was only when something apocalyptic happened that Tsunade actually won bets.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto and Sasuke were walking towards Sasuke's apartment building.

"Why are we going to your apartment building?" Naruto asked. They stopped for a moment. Sasuke looked at Naruto for a moment, and then he realised where they were.

"_Wow we're in the alley right near my apartment."_ Sasuke thought. He stared at Naruto's lips for a moment.

"_I wonder what would happen if..."_ Sasuke didn't allow his thoughts to go any further. Sai had got him thinking in a direction that had never occurred to Sasuke before. Now he was curious to test it.

"Naruto?" Sasuke questioned.

"Yeah Sasuke?" Naruto asked back.

"I want you to stay still for a moment. I wanna try something." Sasuke stated. Naruto gave Sasuke a funny look and then shrugged and stayed still.

"Close your eyes." Sasuke told Naruto firmly.

"Why do I need to close my eyes?" Naruto asked. Sasuke gave Naruto a look and the blond shrugged and closed his eyes. That was when Sasuke decided to test how soft Naruto's lips actually were. He pressed his lips against Naruto's.

"What are you doing Teme?" Naruto yelped as he pulled away.

"Just trust me on this for a second." Sasuke stated firmly. Naruto gave him another funny look but complied. Sasuke then kissed Naruto again. Next time they broke apart was for air.

"That was... strange." Naruto commented.

"Good strange or bad strange?" Sasuke asked.

"Good strange." Naruto said.

"Wanna try that again?" Sasuke asked cheekily. Naruto just nodded, and this time he pulled the raven in for a kiss.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Across from them, on top of Sasuke's apartment building, Sai grinned wickedly.

"_Bingo."_ Sai thought to himself.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

As the girls were watching, Naruto and Sasuke happened to arrive in Sasuke's apartment. Sakura's eyes went wide.

"Shishou, you totally lost the bet. It looks like Naruto and Sasuke are totally going to make hot man love." Sakura quipped. Tsunade cursed, as all the girls watched.

"Wait, why was Naruto not even wearing a shirt when they walked in?" Sakura questioned.

"Makes it easier to throw off their clothes if they're missing some already." Anko supplied.

"That is so hot. I totally wish I'd set up a webcam or something." Ino stated as she saw Sasuke push Naruto up against a wall.

"That's already been taken care of." Hinata stated.

"What?" The girls all said looking at Hinata.

"I'm rich and you guys aren't. Also when those two are out training all the time, it's not like they think about all the Ninja that live in this village." Hinata stated cheerfully.

"Huh?" Sakura asked eloquently.

"It means Sasuke is stupid enough to leave his window open when he goes out." Ten Ten supplied.

"And isn't that just a bonus for us?" Temari asked as they heard a muffled 'Sasuke' come from Naruto in the flat across the way.

"Yeah it's a definite bonus." Sakura and Ino said at the same time.

xXxXxXx THE NEXT DAY xXxXxXx

Sakura was already at the bridge, waiting for Sai, Sasuke and Naruto. Kakashi was always late. Sai arrived and Sakura acknowledged the other raven on her team as she waited for the happy couple.

Two hours later, Kakashi had just arrived, but still no sign of Sasuke or Naruto.

"Have either of you seen Naruto or Sasuke this morning?" Kakashi asked. Both Sai and Sakura shook their heads. That was when the pair came walking up the street towards them. Kakashi's eyebrow raised then he just waited for the pair to get there.

"What happened to make you both late?" Kakashi asked. Naruto and Sasuke blinked as they looked at Kakashi.

"We were screwing each other's brains out all night." Sasuke quipped.

"So we were tired and we woke up late." Naruto added.

"Okay, nice try boys. Your excuses have to be believable." Kakashi stated. The group were all confused as Kakashi gave them their mission for the day.

"_His excuses are never believable."_ They all thought to themselves.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, there you have it. Sasuke and Naruto finally together under the... guidance... of Hinata and _'the cause'_. LOL! Well when I say _'the cause'_ it's a phrase that I made up for when I'm trying to do something I feel is important (without actually telling anyone what exactly it is that I want to do) and I'll have my mother saying to me "What do you need that for?" and I'll say "It's for _the cause_ Ma! Don't question _the cause_!"

Please R&R and let me know what you think.


	17. But Aren't You A Ninja?

Okay, another chapter of crack. I hope you all like it.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

But... Aren't You A Ninja?

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke and Naruto were both wandering back home after a night of extreme drinking competitions. All of which Naruto won, because of his inhuman alcohol immunity abilities. It was late and Sasuke felt cheated, as well as very drunk. That is how we arrive upon our two favourite Ninja this night.

"You totally cheated Dobe!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Nu-uh Teme! How did I cheat?" Naruto asked.

"Because Kyubi made you immune to alcohol!" Sasuke shot back.

"But that's a stupid reason Sasuke. I mean I don't complain that your Sharingan is a cheat when we spar, and your Sharingan allows you to read all my moves before I make them." Naruto stated eloquently. For some reason alcohol made Naruto eloquent.

"Wha- what the fuck are you talking about?" Sasuke asked. Alcohol made Sasuke less eloquent.

"Well think about it Teme. I make a move, you can see it while I'm doing it and plan how to counter attack before I'm even finished making my move. You do that with Sharingan. I don't complain that it's not fair." Naruto answered.

"Huh?" Sasuke felt confused.

"Well it's not my fault that Kyubi makes me practically alcohol immune. Just like it's not your fault you were born into a clan with the Sharingan. So I can't cheat if Kyubi is living inside my body." Naruto added. Sasuke glared as they walked past Sakura's house. Sakura was slumped on the steps outside, looking terribly drunk still.

"Are you okay Sakura?" Naruto asked. Sakura blinked her eyes open blearily.

"Sakura doesn't feel good. Sakura angry." Sakura muttered.

"Oh crap, not this again!" Naruto exclaimed.

"What is wrong with her?" Sasuke asked. This being the first time he'd ever drank with Sakura.

"Well..." Before Naruto could finish Sakura leapt up and her fist came forward.

"Sakura Smash!" Sakura yelled. Sasuke and Naruto jumped in different directions, and Sakura's fist made a giant crater in the pathway.

"She's kind of a bad drunk. Like Lee, only she's got wicked evil hangovers." Naruto informed Sasuke. Sasuke sighed.

"Sakura need coffee." Sakura grunted. Then started searching for something, with sluggish movements. Naruto noticed Sakura's house key on the floor near the door.

"Here. Sakura looking for keys?" Naruto asked gently. Sakura nodded.

"Sakura want keys." Sakura grunted. Naruto handed Sakura her keys gently and Sakura made her way into her house.

"I'm never looking for Sakura after we've all been drinking again." Sasuke stated.

"I always say that but the trouble is that we're down the road from her house." Naruto replied. Sasuke sighed as they carried on walking home. That was when they came across Shikamaru, who was... running laps?

Sasuke stared at the spectacle before him in absolute amazement.

"Shikamaru... knows how... to run?" Sasuke asked.

"I told you that you miss stuff when you don't come drinking with us." Naruto replied. That was when Neji came across their paths, a very drunk and horny Ten Ten draped all over him as they seemed to be making out while walking.

"What the crap?" Sasuke asked.

"Ten ten gets horny for Neji and Neji... Neji gets horny for anything with two legs. If you came onto him while the two of you were drunk, he wouldn't turn you down." Naruto said.

"That's... that's just creepy." Sasuke said back. They pair carried on, and saw Hinata running naked through the streets singing Disco Death by Lady Gaga, loudly proclaiming,

"I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!"

Sasuke didn't know whether to just lay down and die, or to shudder and cringe, then move on. He decided to do the latter.

"We're nearly home Sasuke." Naruto told him, and Sasuke was relieved, until he saw Ino making out with Chouji in the doorway of the flower shop.

"Ino has serious beer goggles. Although it'll be funny to see how they react when they realise what they've done." Naruto told Sasuke. Sasuke shrugged, hoping he wouldn't remember any of this when he woke up.

"Oh look, we're here. Hey and we didn't even spot Kakashi-Sensei and Iruka-Sensei having sex in one of the training grounds. Today's been pretty good." Naruto said chirpily. Sasuke glared at Naruto and then stuck his hand in his back pocket where his keys were usually kept... and found the pocket empty. There was no sign of his keys.

"Naruto tell me you took your keys." Sasuke almost pleaded. Naruto blinked.

"No. You told me to leave mine here because I always lose them." Naruto replied. Sasuke just cried then. Big, fat, melon sized tears. He was drunk, and therefore his Uchiha pride was gone.

"Come on Sasuke. Don't cry. We'll figure something out." Naruto consoled.

"How the hell are we supposed to get into the apartment?" Sasuke wailed.

"Sasuke, I hate to be blunt and tactless-"Naruto started.

"Which you are every day of your life." Sasuke cut Naruto off.

"But aren't you a Ninja?" Naruto asked.

"We're both Ninja Dobe. Remember we graduated the same day." Sasuke questioned.

"Yes. But as Ninja, who are so much more awesome than pirates." Naruto said.

"NOT AS AWESOME AS CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!" The pair heard Kiba yell from somewhere.

"CAPTAIN JACK ISN'T REAL KIBA! GET OVER IT!" Naruto yelled.

"Well, as Ninja, we have many Ninja skills right?" Naruto finished.

"And?" Sasuke questioned.

"Like lock picking?" Naruto replied. Sasuke blinked once, twice, three times. Then he looked at Naruto.

"That is the smartest thing you have ever said in the whole time I've known you, ever." Sasuke said assuredly.

"Wow, I should feel complimented at the moment, but I have a feeling I'm going to be very offended when I sober up, so I won't be. Now pass me that stupid duckie clip that Ino put in your hair earlier." Naruto held out his hand. Sasuke was confused for a moment, before feeling around in his hair, and finding a hair clip.

"I'm not going drinking with Ino again." Sasuke said as he passed Naruto the clip. Naruto shrugged. Then he effortlessly picked the lock of the apartment. The pair went in, and collapsed on their own beds, without even bothering to change.

xXxXxXx THE NEXT DAY xXxXxXx

Sasuke woke up with a pounding headache. He went for a shower, but before he got in, he noticed something and started screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sasuke screamed, like a girl shriek-like scream. Naruto fell out of his own bed, awoken by the shrieking and then ran towards the bathroom.

"Holy crap Sasuke! Why the hell are you screaming Teme?" Naruto asked.

"SOMEONE STOLE MY SHARINGAN BOXERS!" Sasuke yelled. Naruto blinked.

"Seriously? How the hell did that happen?" Naruto asked. Sasuke stopped freaking out for a moment and looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling.

"You know, I really don't know." Sasuke said.

"Do you remember what happened to your keys now?" Naruto asked, before he left the bathroom.

"Yeah, I left them in the toilets at the bar. I thought they were gonna fall out of my pocket and down the toilet so I took them out and put them on the top of the toilet. I just... forgot to pick them up when I left." Sasuke replied. Naruto shrugged.

"Luckily nobody knows that your keys are there. I mean think of the fangirls getting hold of those." Naruto said cheerfully.

"We'll go and get them after we've both showered. There is no way I'm going out without a shower." Naruto added as he walked off. Sasuke wasn't quite sure what to make of this, but at least he knew where his keys were, and how he lost them. He was still wondering what happened to his Sharingan boxers.

"I don't even remember taking my jeans off. How did I lose my boxers?" Sasuke muttered to himself as he got into the shower.

xXxXxXx IN A CREEPY PIT OF DESPAIR (AKA Orochimaru's Lair) xXxXxXx

Orochimaru held up a pair of boxers with Sharingan patterns all over them.

"Kabuto did you manage to get the DNA from Sasuke's favourite boxers to make his mindless clone for my new sex t- I mean body?" Orochimaru asked.

"Did you just say sex toy?" Kabuto asked.

"No of course not. I meant my new body of course." Orochimaru told Kabuto sternly.

"Okay. That's funny I could've sworn-"

"Kabuto! Did you get the DNA or not?" Orochimaru cut off Kabuto. Kabuto nodded.

"Yes Orochimaru-Sama. I got the DNA. Your perfect, mindless clone shall be ready in one month." Kabuto replied.

"That's good. Ku ku ku." Orochimaru praised.

"What did you want me to do with the boxers Orochimaru-Sama?" Kabuto asked.

"I'll... hang on to them until the clone is made. You never know if we're going to need them." Orochimaru answered. Kabuto gave Orochimaru a strange look, then he left the room.

"Ah, I'm gonna have some good alone time tonight." Orochimaru commented to himself.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, another piece of crack for you to laugh at. Hopefully, at any rate. Please R&R and let me know what you think.


	18. How Sakura Really Defeated Sasori

Okay all, here is another one shot, inspired by a picture I saw on Deviantart, created by ToonTwins. So this chapter is dedicated to ToonTwins because without their picture I wouldn't have written this fic. The picture is called "Sakura For The Win" check it out people. Here's the link.

.com/art/Sakura-For-The-Win-63107696

Anywho, thanks to all the people who added me to their faves and alert lists and those who reviewed and such. I really appreciate it.

**WARNING**: There is Twilight Bashing, sexual references and dodgy innuendoes in this chapter.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

How Sakura Really Defeated Sasori.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto and Sai were all waiting for Kakashi to show up at the bridge. As usual, he was late for their training session and the group were becoming bored, except for Sai, because Sai doesn't feel anything ninety five percent of the time.

"So Sakura how did you get that information from Sasori?" Naruto asked suddenly.

"What information?" Sasuke asked.

"The information that led us to you." Sakura replied. Sasuke and Sai stared at Naruto and Sakura, also curious about the answer, but not wanting to show it.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Sakura replied.

"So tell us and let us be the judges on what we believe." Naruto replied. Sakura sighed and then she began to tell them to story.

xXxXxXx FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

"So you're from Konoha?" Sasori stated as he looked at Sakura.

"Way to state the obvious." Sakura answered.

"Sasori, you must stop what you've been doing and come back home." Chiyo scolded Sasori.

"No way Grandma. After that time you tried to give me the talk after finding my porn collection, I'm never going home again." Sasori replied.

"Uhm... I have a valid objection." Sakura interrupted.

"What might that be?" Sasori asked.

"If you're a puppet then how the hell does it even matter if you have a porn collection? You need blood vessels to... you know..." Sakura trailed off.

"Look if Edward Cullen, the sparkly undead vampire, can get Bella Swan pregnant with his magical sperm, then I can still enjoy sex." Sasori replied.

"Good point." Sakura acknowledged.

"Wait, magic sperm?" Chiyo asked.

"Yes, Edward Cullen must have magic sperm, because as his heart doesn't beat, blood doesn't pump around his body. Seeing as blood doesn't pump around his body, how the hell does he get it up to have sex? Oh and if he does, as a vampire, with no bodily fluids, who must drink blood to survive, how does he have sperm in the first place to get Bella pregnant?" Sasori replied. Chiyo looked thoughtful.

"You know I never thought of that at all. That's a major hole in the plot of the story." Chiyo said seriously. "I must go and do research on this magic vampire." Chiyo added. Then she left. Sakura and Sasori stared at each other.

"So... how the hell do you enjoy sex?" Sakura asked curiously.

"Do you really want to know the answer to that question?" Sasori shot back.

"Yes, from a purely medical standpoint, yes I do." Sakura replied.

"I have a jutsu that gives me my human penis whenever I want it." Sasori replied.

"I'm not sure I want to know how that works, but I bet Orochimaru invented that jutsu." Sakura commented.

"Of course Orochimaru invented it. The rest of us had better things to do then obsess over our sex lives. Although the fact that Orochimaru obsesses over creating jutsu like that actually worked out pretty well for me." Sasori agreed.

"Can you please tell me where Orochimaru is?" Sakura asked.

"No." Sasori replied.

"I'll let you go." Sakura said.

"Still my answer is no. I'm sure I could kick your ass." Sasori replied. Sakura pulled out a jar from her medicine pouch. On it, was the label TERMITES.

"You wouldn't dare!" Sasori yelled.

"Oh wouldn't I?" Sakura asked. She made to unscrew the lid.

"NOOOOOO! OKAY I'LL TELL YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT TO KNOW!" Sasori yelled.

xXxXxXx END FLASHBACK xXxXxXx

"Wait a Kami damned minute!" Naruto yelled. "You defeated Sasori with Termites? Termites?" Naruto added.

"Yeah. He was a puppet made of wood. So I just... released the termites that I had in a jar for... medicinal purposes." Sakura replied.

"You wanted to use them on Kankuro's puppets and they became convenient." Naruto quipped.  
"That's ridiculous." Sasuke snorted.

"How did you_ know?_" Sakura exclaimed.

"Because Kankuro has really creepy puppets." Naruto replied. Sakura nodded her agreement, while Sasuke and Sai both decided that they didn't want Naruto to ask questions ever again.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay all, I hope you found this little one shot funny. Please R&R and let me know what you thought.


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